A Complete Collection of Cliché Dramione Plots
by Mistress of Craziness
Summary: On hiatus. Draco is depressed? Hermione is suddenly HAWT? They have to share a common room? Be Potion partners? Detention? Go to the Yule Ball together? Ohmgee, she's pregnant...? Sheesh, how much more could there be? The answer: tons. DMHG... sort of...
1. The Making Of An Angst Draco

**Disclaimer: **I don't own this stuff, yo.

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_Chapter I: The Making Of An Angst Draco_

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Draco Malfoy buried his face in to his pillow, trying with all his might to push the thoughts of a certain bushy-haired girl out of his mind. He tried to think about Quiddith; the large crack in his wall; if the egg came before the chicken, or vice versa; if cats were really all that smart; his undying love for Harry Pot- oh, sorry. That's a totally different cliché ship. Well, the point is, no matter what Malfoy thought about, his mind would always be pulled back to the know-it-all witch.

Malfoy had known he was in love with Hermione for a good thirty seconds. Actually, Malfoy didn't even have any romantic feelings for her before this story had started, because before this story had started Malfoy had been in character, but now that some crazy fanfiction author got ahold of him he was now completely out of character, thus making him madly in love with Hermione Jane Granger. Plain and simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good.

Now he was laying on his bed, trying to stop thinking about the one girl he was suppose to hate with every fiber of his body, but now suddenly was madly in love with. But you all know this already, so we might as well skip the next three paragraphs where I repeat the same thing over and over using poetic words and strong emotions to keep you interested, and just get on with his long, sappy speech that is usually so out of character it makes you want to gag.

"Oh, why am I feeling this way?" he moaned into his pillow. "She's a _Mudblood_ for goodness sake! But I can't help but dream about that beautiful- I mean... have strong feelings for- I mean... an undying lust- I mean... oh, who am I trying to kid? I'M IN LOVE WITH HERMIONE GRANGER!" Not as long as intended, but still pretty much hits the nail on the head.

Draco could hear screams erupt from downstairs. 'Oops. Was I a bit too loud?' Well, Malfoy learned the answer to this question when he heard the sound of pounding footsteps making their way up the stairs, and the mumbles and growls of a very pissed off person. Malfoy braced himself for what was to come next... and what came next was very shocking indeed. When the door burst open, instead of a very pissed of Lucius Malfoy standing in the doorway that everyone expects, a very pissed off bear was standing there instead.

"Fa- what the...?" he hissed. "Why the bloody hell is there a bear... oh, nevermind." Not in the mood to deal with this crap, Malfoy reached behind his bed frame and pulled _a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this_. Now you're probably wondering why Draco had _a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this _behind his bed frame. Well, he has this because this is my story, and if I want him to have _a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this_, then dammit he's going to have _a handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this_. Another plain and simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good.

Draco pointed the _handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this_ at the bear. The bear soon began to freak out, and franticly wave his arms around. Malfoy thought this was an odd behavior for a bear, so decided to lower his _handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this_. He then noticed something that he didn't quite notice before: it wasn't a real bear, but some guy in a bear costume. How he didn't notice this before really makes me question Draco's intelligence. I pictured him to be atleast... somewhat smart. But hell, Malfoy was in love with Hermione Granger. He was just a pocket full of mystery and out of character-ness.

Anyway, back to the story. Malfoy was now staring at the bear with creased eyebrows. 'Who could this strange fella be? There were so many possibilities. Mum? No. That doesn't sound right. Ron Weasley? Now that's just odd. Vernon Dursley? Wait, how do I know the name of Harry's uncle?' Draco continued to go over _very _unlikely people, making me go beyond questioning his intelligence, and wonder if the poor bloke was a crack head. Well, after several more unrealistic candidates later, the author decided to give the poor guy a break, and have the bear remove the head of the costume. So, it did. And Malfoy gasped. But not just a small, under-your-breath gasp; a crazy, over the top, unneeded gasp that was so unlike him the author felt like crying, but didn't because she was _not_ sensitive like that... what...?

Oh, sorry. I thought you were looking at me like that because of what I said, not because you wanted me to shut the hell up, and stop getting off-topic. Sorry. I'll try and cut back...

"Fa- Harry's uncle?" Malfoy was stunned. Not only was he right for once in his life, but Harry's uncle was standing in his doorway, wearing a bear costume. How Draco knew who Vernon Dursley was is a mystery to us all, but, like I said before, Draco Malfoy was a pocket full of them.

They both just stared at each other, neither one quite sure what to say. This was a pretty sticky situation. Just then, another man in a bear costume ran up. Oh, this was not only a sticky situation, but a brown, gooey one as well. The mysterious bear man and Vernon Bear began to eye each other. Vernon Bear then turned back to Draco, back towards the other bear, then back towards Draco, then ate a pickle.

"Um, excuse me, but this doesn't happen to be a 'I beat Harry silly over the summer for no reason just so he can be depressed, have an equally depressed Malfoy help him through his _troubled times_ since hes the only one who seems to notice his odd behavior, and have them start a strange, slashy relationship that nobody quite understands' story, is it?" Vernon Bear asked. I actually quite enjoy the sound of that... Vernon Bear... Anyway.

"Nope, this is actually a story filled with cliché Dramione plots all wrapped up together in one," Malfoy answered.

"Oh," Vernon Bear said, a bit disappointed. "Well... sorry to interrupt... carry on." Then Vernon Bear ran off to find the correct story that he was suppose to be in. And Malfoy waved good-bye with sadness in his eyes when he departed, because he too liked the name Vernon Bear. And the other bear just shrugged and turned to Draco. Well, not in the mood to go through all that crap again, the author decided to give everyone a break, and just have the bear remove the head of the costume right away. So, it did. And, once again, Malfoy let out an over dramatic gasp that made the author get all teary-eyed, but she choked them back because she was _not_ sensitive.

"Father," Malfoy growled quietly. "So, you heard me express... express... m-m-my... my- I'm sorry, but I have to ask: why the hell are you wearing a bear suit? It's really dumb."

"Because, Draco," Lucius began, brushing a bit of sweat that was dripping from his forehead caused by the bear costume - isn't that just an amazing thing to know? - "in this story, I am a crazy, gay pedophile who rapes and beats his son over the summer because I learn that he is in love with a Mudblood and has given the Malfoy name a bad reputation, and beating and raping their child is what a responsible parent would do when they do something to disappoint their family."

"That doesn't explain the bear suit," Malfoy commented.

"I was getting to that," Lucius giggled. Malfoy cringed. Why did the author make him giggle? Well, I could answer that for you, but then I would have to go into another rant like I did several paragraphs ago, so I suggest you just shut up and stop questioning my logic. "As being the crazy, gay pedophile that I am, I decided to complete the illusion, and dress up as a loveable bear. That's what we crazy, gay pedophiles do, right? Dress up. Some wear clown suits. Others get all decked out in fuzzy animal costumes. It all comes with the job.

"Now if you would please stop changing the subject with your obvious questions, I suggest you start crying in that girly way that make fangirls swoon." Lucius giggled again because he used the word 'swoon', making Draco cringe, making Dobby dance, making the Giant Squid paint, making the author wonder why she keeps changing between 'Draco' and 'Malfoy' in practically every new sentence that mentions his name.

"Cry?" Malfoy questioned. Now why would he cry? He certainly didn't feel like crying. Besides, Malfoy's rarely cried, and when they did they never did in front of other people. But the author soon had large, salty tears dripping from his eyes when she noticed that he was going back into character. We can't have that in a Dramione story, now can we?

An evil grin played across Lucius' lips, and he was rubbing his hands together in an extremely evil way. "Yes... that's right... cry... Now it's time for me to rape and beat you so Hermione has a reason to cuddle you that one night in the Head suite when you spill out all your emotions to her, showing her that you're a sad, depressed, angst teenager, and not as bad as she thought, giving the author a solid opportunity to start a very awkward and rushed relationship between the two of you."

"N-no, father," Malfoy choked out as Lucius advanced towards him. He was not bawling like a baby... perfect. "Please, don't." But Lucius was now practically on top of him, his fuzzy suit pressing against the small boy's body. Malfoy suddenly stopped crying, and stared at him with a blank expression that nobody could read, because the author couldn't figure out a good expression for him at the moment.

"Um... dad... could you atleast remove the bear suit? It's sort of creepy."

"Oh! Sorry, son." So, he did. When he was finished, Draco nodded his head in thanks. Then he quickly began to cry again. And Lucius jumped on his son again. And all you creepy, incest loving fangirls waited on the edge of their seat for a hot, kinky sex scene between the two Malfoys. Well, I'm not very good explaining that sort of thing, but I'll try as best as I can. Ahem. Ok, here we go.

Then, under the bright moonlight illuminating into Draco's room (did I forget to mention it was night?), Lucius raped and beat his son.

Thank you. Thank you.

After it was over, Lucius was standing in the doorway once again, Malfoy laying on his bed in a fetal position. Lucius' eyes soon began to bulge out, and his nostrils flared. He pointed a threatening finger at his son.

"If you ever, ever,_ ever_," Lucius began, emphasizing on the word 'ever', "_ever_... wear your shirt untucked like that again, I will make sure you never get another issue of _Teen People_ ever again. It's very tacky, son." With that said, Malfoy began to cry even harder. Sure, raping and beating him was inhuman, but canceling his subscription to his favorite magazine was just plain torture. Lucius then slammed his son's door and skipped off to Azkaban, because that's where he was suppose to be in the first place, but everyone seems to forget this.

So Malfoy continued to cry. And he cried some more. And cried a bit more. Oh, did I forget to mention he was crying? Well, he was. And all the we-love-sensitive-Draco fangirls were sighing at how sensitive and emotional he was, while all the we-love-Draco-in-character fangirls were groaning at how pathetic it was. But, honestly, what did you expect in a Dramione story? An insensitive, uncaring, in character git? I certainly don't.

But now I'm going to mentally hit myself for getting off-topic again... what...? I said I was going to _try_ and cut back. Old habits die hard, y'know? Anyway, continuing on with this depressing tale.

Draco was now sitting up on his bed, cutting his wrists and wearing all black. Whoa, when this happened? Hm... must of been when I was going on about fangirls and being off-topic. Whatever. Guess I'll just roll with this.

Anyway, Draco was now sitting on his bed, blank eyes gazing at the cuts on his arm. Simple Plan (OmfG!1! theyz soh goth!) was blasting out of his _magical _boom box. Yes, this just finishes off the illusion of the typical songfic-cutting scene. Perfect.

_When I wake up_

_Well, I know I'm gonna be_

_I'm gonna be the man who wakes up next to you_

Wait a minute... this isn't Simple Plan.

"Oh, I totally forgot that this was a mix tape!" Malfoy cried. Well, I was not even going to ask why he has Proclaimers on a mix tape to begin with because I fear what the answer might be, so I guess I'll just roll with this too... eh... yea...

_When I go out_

_Yea, I know I'm gonna be_

_I'm gonna be the man who goes along with you_

Anyway, Draco pushed the blade up against his extra _extra _pale arm, and created yet another scratch. He sighed with pleasure. His father had left a traumatic scar on his ego - 'Way better then Harry's gay scar,' Malfoy told himself with glee. - and cutting himself was a way to help him ease the pain that his father sucks ass, and also help him-

_When I get drunk_

_Well, I know I'm gonna be_

_I'm gonna be the man who gets drunk next to you_

-him... um... oh bugger, I forgot what I was going to- wait... what did that song just say? Was that suppose to be romantic?

Well, whatever I was going to say, it probably wasn't that im-

_If I haver_

-por-

_Yea, I know I'm gonna be_

-ta-

_I'm gonna be the man who's havering to you_

-nt-

_Well I would walk 500 miles_

(**Warning: **The next part paragraph is not for lame ass pansy's who get offended really easily by the f-word. You have been warned.)

GODAMMIT! SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP! THIS SONG IS FUCKIN' ANNOYING! _HAVER_? WHAT KIND OF WORD IS _HAVER_? IT'S MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO TYPE ALL THE FUCKIN' PAIN AND SUFFERING MALFOY IS ENDURING AT THE-

_And I would walk 500 more_

-MOMENT! AND IT KEEPS CUTTING ME OFF WHEN I'M RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF A PARAGRAPH! THIS IS FU-

_Just to be the man who walked 1,000 miles_

_to fall down at your door_

THAT'S IT! DRACO... MALFOY... WHATEVER YOUR FUCKIN' NAME IS, HAVE FUN! I'M OUT OF H-

_Na na na_

_Na na na_

_Lika lika lika lika lika-_

_Draco's P.O.V._

Um... hi. Draco here. Well, the author ran away all pissed off because the song was making her mad. I turned it off now, though. Really, all she had to do was ask and I would of turned it off. I'm a sensitive, caring guy in this story, and will do something if it's upsetting someone because that is how sensitive and caring I am.

Oh well. Guess this story is no longer in the third person format, but the first person. That's ok. Tons of 'Draco is depressed' stories are written in the first person so the reader can see how horribly sad I am through my very own eyes. Amazing.

Anyway, getting back to what I was doing; I slowly began to create another cut on my arm, black tears running down my cheeks. I was doing this because it helped me not only forget about that lovely Mudblood, but also help me cope with what my father had done to me. You see, he raped and beat me.

_Flashback_

_Then, under the bright moonlight illuminating into Draco's room (did I forget to mention it was night?), Lucius raped and beat his son._

_End Of Flashback_

Now I'm crying because flashbacks are so emotional and poetic. Only the _really good_ stories have flashbacks. But you all know that he raped me already. Actually, you were all pretty much there when it happened. And I have one question for you all: WHY DIDN'T ANY OF YOU BLOODY STOP HIM?

"Draco, we tried to stop him, but our crazy, fetish needs took us over, as well as us wanting you to be an angst teenager," said a random we-love-Draco-getting-raped-and-beaten-by-his-pedophile-father-so-he-will-be-an-angst-teenager fangirl. Not in the mood to take the time and figure out how she got into my room, I took out my _handy dandy shotgun that I had just in case of situations like this_, and shot her because I hate we-love-Draco-getting-raped-and-beaten-by-his-pedophile-father-so-he-will-be-an-angst-teenager fangirls.

Anyway, I absolutely hated my father now. No longer did I want to be known as a Malfoy because 'Malfoy' was such a painful name, filled with so many horrible memories of my father, Lucius _Malfoy_. No, I want everyone to call me something different... maybe... Draco Malfa? Draco Male-foo? Sraco Walefan? (Oh man, typo.) Shimmer Wing? River Stone Running Bear? Draco Bear? That's it! Draco Bear! Doesn't have the same ring as Vernon Bear, but I don't care. You see, bears are awesomely kewl, and that is why they are mentioned so much in this story because of how kewl they are. Plain and simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good.

Well, everything has been pretty much covered for this chunk of the story. Lucius raping me. Check. Me turning "goth". Check. The songfic-cutting scene. Check. That only leaves three things: me writing suicidal and emo thoughts into my diary, the failed suicide attempt, and the quick ending where I'm laying on my bed, crying and thinking about how I'll never get Hermione. Alright, here we go.

I pulled out a little black diary from under my bed (don't ask why I have this, because it's none of your business), and began to write depressing, suicidal thoughts into it.

_dEer diary;_

_Omg! I juss h8 mah dad! he such a jack azz. he, lyk, raped me. LOL WTF. anywai, i luv Her-moin!1! she iz like mah twoo wuv! butt she"ll neva notice me, cuz Imma malfoy. (Weeps.) now imma gunna cillz mahself cus I cant take it no morez. _

_With wuv,_

_Mal- I mean, Bear._

_P.s. OMFG! GREENdAY IZ COMIN' ON TOOR HERE SOOn! 2 QUUL! LmFAOo! _

So Draco threw the diary back under his bed and grabed his knife, ready to begin his first in the never ending line of suicide attempts. Now half of you readers have probably noticed that this story is back to being in the third person format. Well, I, the author, have calmed down, and now can resume my role as writing this angsty tale. But then theres this other half of you that don't give a damn if this story was written in the first or third person, you just want to cry your eyes out at the fact that I might kill Draco. Well, never fear my dears, because this will be nothing more then a _failed _attempt. I wouldn't kill Draco so early in the game. Him and Hermione haven't even had hot, steamy sex yet!

Draco perked up, suddenly realizing something. Placing the knife down, Draco staggered over to his _magical _boom box, turned it on, and returned to the task at hand.

_When I'm working_

_Yes, I know I'm gonna be_

_I'm gonna be the man whose working hard for you_

On second thought, maybe killing him would do some good-

_And when the money_

_comes in for the work I do_

_I'll pass almost every penny onto you_

-in the world-

_When I come home_

-SHUT UP! GOD, JUST SHUT UP! THIS SONG IS NOT FUCKIN' ROMANTIC, OKAY? IT NEVER WAS, AND IT NEVER WILL BE! GETTING DRUNK AND GIVING ALL YOUR MONEY TO YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS _NOT_ ROMANTIC! ARGH!

Then the author got all embarrassed when she realized that Draco had turned off the boom box, and that the song wasn't playing anymore. Now he was laying on his bed, weeping into his pillow about Hermione.

Yikes, we missed the entire suicide attempt scene? Oh well. It won't be the last one, that's for sure.

The faint cheers of distant we-love-Draco-when-he-tries-to-commit-suicide fangirls could be heard from some faraway land, but nobody really cares.

"Why not do another flashback scene, this time of the suicide attempt?" Draco suggested. The author then ignored him because that was a stupid idea. Sure, one flashback scene in a chapter was emotional and poetic, but two in the same chapter was just as tacky as his untucked shirt. Draco then quickly began to moan and cry about Hermione again when the author saw that he had broken character. And now this chapter is about to abruptly end, because it's time to move on. And to anybody who has read this far: wow, you must of been really bored if you read through all of this crap. And now it's going to end, right... now...

Now...

Now...

What the hell?

"I don't think this story is correct," Draco suddenly commented, once again breaking character. "I think you should of paired me off with Harry. I think I might be ga-"

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_To be continued._

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**A/N: **Well, thanks for reading chapter uno. :) Now, I know this **wasn't really** all that funny, and I'm really scared that ya'll will hate it and stop reading because it **does** get better (chapter II will be ten times better). :( Draco getting raped and becoming depressed is just so hard to do as a parody, y'know? Well the next chapter is: _Hermione Gets A Makeover_, and trust me, it **is** better. Well, review if you want to. You don't have to, I'm not making you. Constructive criticism is nice, and flames will be laughed at. Thanks. :)

**Wow: **Um... I just want to add that I have probably just read the **worst story **on this site. It was... **interesting**, and I have to say that the last line was pretty funny. It's called Tragedy of Love by _Ma Bootay is Bigga _if you want to check out probably the **worst story **in the **history **of _fanfiction . net_. It's just... _wow_...


	2. Hermione Gets A Makeover

**Disclaimer: **Not mine. Duh.

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_Chapter II: Hermione Gets A Makeover_

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Plain old, boring, average Hermione Granger stood in front of her mirror doing a very, _very _un-Hermionish thing: she was picking out all the flaws in her appearance. She had already come to the conclusion that she was by far the ugliest thing to ever roam the planet, was the size of a hippo, and no boy would ever give her a first glance, let alone a second. Yes, Hermione was OOC big time. But what do you expect? How do you suppose I start this thing? Having her work on her summer homework, or maybe read a book? Pfft. As if. That would make her in character, and I'll never do that. Maybe when cats fly... which they're never going to do... so she'll forever be OOC... so you can just keep dreaming.

Anyway, Hermione was now crying because she was so ugly. And the author just sat there uncomfortable because Hermione was getting way too OOC even for her taste. And now she's wondering where to go with this because she has major writers block.

"Oh, I am so hideous," Hermione exclaimed randomly. Yes. This is good. When in doubt, write an angst speech that will make the readers' hearts ache with sorrow. "I'm a monster, that's what I am. My eyes are so dull and boring. And my body... sheesh! It's like a blimp. And my hair... oh, don't even get me started on my hair. Argh! I need some help. I need a miracle. I need... a Mary-Sue, American cousin."

The idea hit Hermione with a such a powerful force that it would make Voldemort go green with envy. Sadly, though, the impact was too much for the young witch that she was knocked out cold. And now we can all sit back for a while, drink some soothing tea, and watch classic Charlie Brown episodes, because the author really needs a break from all these Dramione clichés running wild in her head.

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Ten milliseconds had passed and Hermione stirred, slowly regaining consciousness. Now you're probably thinking that ten milliseconds seems a little rushed, but Hermione was a very powerful, brainy witch, and powerful, brainy witches make quick recoveries, no matter how unrealistic it seemed. So now she was waking up. Damn. Suppose we have to turn off Charlie Brown now. Guess we'll never know if good ol' Charlie Brown ever gets a Christmas card. Oh well.

"Wha... what happened?" Hermione cried, sitting up with a start. The author then explained to her that the idea that she had come up with was so extremely cliché that it had knocked her out cold. Then the author began to point and laugh at her, because what kind of dumbass gets knocked out by an idea? This made Hermione burst into tears because she hated it when people laughed at her, and the author just began to get all uncomfortable again.

"My idea?" Hermione questioned, scratching the back of her head. By now she had stopped crying. Exciting. "What was it again? Um... oh! Now I remember! I need a Mary-Sue, American cousin to help me through this blue, oozing situation." After saying her idea for a second time, Hermione was knocked out, sat up ten milliseconds later, and did it all over again. She did this about seven more times because the author found it amusing, but soon decided that we had to move on, and that this all was very off-topic. Hermione sat up for about the sixth or seventh time in the past seconds, and continued on with her speech, the author using white out to get rid of the 'dangerous' parts.

"My idea?" Hermione questioned, scratching the back of her head. "What was it again? Um... oh! Now I remember! I need a ( )-( ), ( ) ( ) to help me through this blue, oozing situation. But ( ) am I ( ) ( )d one? Anybody with ( ) ( ) a bra( ) can ( )e ( )at ( ) B( )it( )s( ) and- alright! That's enough! I think you're go ( ) ( ) ( ) over( ) ( )it( ) ( ) ( )hit( ) ( )u( )." Now the author was going crazy with the white out, not just from her excitement of using it, but from the fumes as well. Hermione began to get really irritated by this, so she just decided to dig under her bed and pull out a lab top. Random goodness is what I call it. I don't know what you call it, and I don't really care.

"Wait, before I start this part of the story, can I have my own point of view?" Hermione asked with hopefulness in her eyes. "Ow!" She began to rub her eyes, trying to get whatever it was in them out. Her own point of view? What? Was she crazy? Why? "Come on! Draco got his own point of view, why can't I have one? That's not fair!" Hermione began to huff and puff, while the author wondered how she knew anything about chapter one. Must of been some strange, crazy dream. It was always some strange, crazy dream that the characters knew anything about other chapters that they weren't apart of. This usually had something to do with Voldemort, because everything points to Voldemort one way or another. The sun went down. Voldemort. My bike got a flat tire. Must of been Voldemort. Poor guy. Probably crying his eyes out knowing that everyone blames him for everything.

"You really have a problem with getting off-topic," Hermione commented. The author got royally pissed by this, so she decided that she needed a break from this know-it-all brat, and agreed to Hermione's wishes because she was a nice person like that. So, after sniffing the white out a couple of times, the author said that she needed a Mary-Sue, American cousin to help her in this liquid situation, was knocked out, and since she wasn't a powerful, brainy witch, she didn't get up. Now you're probably wondering how I'm still typing this when I'm suppose to be unconscious. Well, I'm just kewl like that. Anyway.

_Hermione's P.O.V._

Hello...? Author...? You still alive...? Hm... oh well. Yes! My own point of view section! I've always wanted one of these. Most authors tend to look past me, and usually give it to Ginny. Pfft. What a load of crap. That girl is such a Mary-Sue whore, it makes me want to... Argh! But I'm going to keep my cool, because I'm Hermione Granger, and that's what I do.

Now I'm turning on my lab top, and you're probably wondering why I have my lab top to begin with. Well, since the stupid author didn't seem to cover this, I guess it's my duty to do so. I have my lab top out because I plan on searching the web in hopes of finding a site to help me find a Mary-Sue, American cousin. Since I'm British, me having an American cousin is next to impossible, but most people usually look past this. But I'm not going to, because I'm Hermione Granger, and I don't look past that stuff. So that is the amazing story of why I have my lab top out.

-:-

You can find _anything _on the Internet if you set your mind to it. I know this for a fact, because in the past hour I have found two fanfiction sites, seven sites dedicated to song lyrics, a few... explicit webpages..., and five Harry Potter fansites. Wow. I never knew so many people thought me and Harry would- hey. Wait a second. Harry Potter fansites? That's strange. It's almost as if- wow! You know what I just noticed? A whole hour has just passed in one tiny paragraph. Geez. Time sure does go by fast. I noticed this, because I'm Hermione Granger, and I notice things. I also certainly _don't_ get distracted easily, and cut myself off in the middle of a sentence. Anyway.

-:-

Now I've been searching Google for one hour and forty-one minutes, twenty-eight seconds, and I still have yet to find a site that will help me. Hm... maybe searching 'Drunken' Monkeys' isn't what I should be searching to begin with... What about 'American cousin to help fill plothole'? Maybe that will work... Yes! 2,001 results! I better click on the first site, since the first site is always the most reliable. Alright, let's see... pictures of old men... Ok, maybe the second one is more reliable in this case... gay cowboys... intriguing, but no. Ok, the third one... another Snape and Hermione fansite? Godammit!

I kept searching for another hour and seven seconds, and after five pages of foreign recipes and chat rooms, I was finally capable of finding a site that looked promising. Geez, I just wasted so much time on this crap. I could of been doing something more productive, like picking out more flaws, or cutting myself in a very OOC way because I have such low self esteem. Now this frickin' dial-up is taking forever! Argh! Oh well. Guess it will all be worth it in the end.

I clicked on the website, and, after about 5 minutes of crappy loading, began to browse through it.

**Welcome to plotholefillers . com**

_Your one stop site for any plothole that needs filling._

Hermione grinned from ear-to-ear; she had finally found a worthy site. Now most of you have probably noticed that, for the second time in this story, I have stopped writing in the first person format in a very abrupt way without giving you any warning. Well, I felt that Hermione's P.O.V. was long enough. Besides, her P.O.V. was just as long as Draco's, and if I made it any longer then I would have to go back and edit chapter one so his P.O.V. would be longer also, so then he wouldn't become a jealous mess and threaten to quit. So there. You can whine and complain all you want Hermione, but you're P.O.V. section is over... thank God...

Anyway, after Hermione's little hissy fit that was so pathetic I didn't feel like including it in this story, she continued to look through the site, trying to find the appropriate section for her predicament. 'Males suddenly being able to be pregnant... dead people coming back to life with no explanation... all the time turners suddenly being fixed so a character can go back in time and fall in love with someone from the past, fucking up the future like crazy, but everyone seems to look past that part... Harry suddenly being Snape's son, even though he's almost James' twin, but everyone seems to forget what he looks like in these stories... a Head boy and girl plot... a Mary-Sue, American cousin coming to England randomly so they can help to try and improve a failed plot, and... blah blah blah. Bingo!'

Hermione clicked on that. She then began to fill out the application in order for her to receive her Mary-Sue, American cousin free-of-charge - Do you actually think someone would pay for one of those? - including her name, age, how many times she takes a bath a week, etc. You know? The only really important things. After she was finished, she sent it off, and a pop-up... popped-up on her screen. Ha ha. That sounds weird. Pop-up popped-up... um... ok then.

_Thank you for ordering, Miss Hermione Hanger _("Oh man. I hate typos.")

_Your American cousin will be arriving... now..._

Hearing the doorbell ring, Hermione jumped seven feet into the air. I'm not really sure how she was able to jump so high, but Hermione is one smart girl, so she was able to pull it off. 'Wow, they're good.' Hermione pushed her lab top back under her bed, and skipped her way to the front door to greet her cousin that had come to visit unexpected-like for the summer, because that's how it usually works. She was just about to open the door, when her muggle sister, Emily, jumped in front of her.

"What the fuck? I don't have a sister," Hermione explained, growing rather frustrated that things kept getting in the way of her and her cousin skipping around, eating pudding and giggling about boys. First the large amount of time searching on the web, then Lucius Malfoy showing up at her bedroom window in a bear suit and eating her favorite raspberry bush because he was an extremely evil man like that, and now this. This was taking much longer then intended.

"Sure you do," Emily replied. "I just never had the privilege of being mentioned in the real Harry Potter books, so the author felt sorry for me and decided to give me a small part in her story. Now shut up so I can have my one moment in the limelight, you selfish know-it-all." Hermione began to wonder what she meant by 'Harry Potter books', but the thought was quickly pushed from her mind when she just realized what her sister had called her, and now she began to cry again for the... what is it? Third time? Sheesh... I don't even think Hermione cried that mush in the real books... whatever. That's the price you pay for being OOC.

Anywho, getting back on track, Emily turned around and flung the door open in a very slow and suspenseful way (not sure how she was able to _slowly_ _fling_ the door open), because since this was her only ever appearance... _ever_, she wanted to make it a performance people would remember. "Who art thou there?" she exclaimed in a very dramatic way.

"Like, omg! Hey cuz. Its like, me, tiff," the girl at the door cried with happiness, her accent thick and her speech filled with computer slang. Now it's time for me to explain to you in painful detail what she looked like, because this is always a _very_ important part of these types of stories. Tiff Elizabeth Moonlight Shimmering-Star Water Lily Granger had long, velvet, silky, soft, yada yada yada, more delicate-type words, pink hair that cascaded down her back in loose curls. She had an hour glass figure, and (here we go again) purplish, bluish, goldish, redish... or maybe it was pinkish... indigo colored eyes with little silver specks that closely resembled stars. Her eyes turned yellowish, orangish green when the sunlight hit them, and a radiant shade of baby yellow, crappy brown, lime green, tickle me pink, red hot red, cool blue, a bunch of other random colors, and sexy ass purple when the moonlight hit them. In other words: she had one pair of fucked up eyes. She was also extremely brilliant, and had a dark, haunting, mysterious past that filled her soul with dread. 'Original', isn't it? KNOw 1 BetTa stee1 my ideaa!1!

"Again I cry, who art thou?" Emily repeated... uh... right... Hermione rolled her eyes. 'This is ridiculous... bloody fanfiction writers with their long, pointless paragraphs that have nothing to do with anything...'

"its like, me... your Mary-Sue amrican cuz, cuz," Tiff answered, letting out a soft giggle that was perfectly in tune, twirling a strand of her pink hair, and showing off her pearly whites.

Emily stared at her with furrowed eyebrows. "What art thou talking about? As thou can see we are British, and an American cousin is... well... impossible." Hermione then somehow got ahold of Draco's _handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case for situations like this_, and shot her, because she was pointing out the obvious, and that's not kewl. How Hermione was able to get ahold of it is a mystery only Sherlock Holmes can solve... but he's dead... so too bad.

"Hello cousin," Hermione greeted, stepping over her sister's dead body.

"Hello cuz hermione," Tiff replied.

They embraced. Amazing.

Tiff had no idea Hermione was a witch... just an interesting fact to know, I guess.

"So, are you going to help me with my low self esteem, and no boy liking me problems?" Hermione asked as they let go of one another. Tiff nodded her head, and Hermione squealed with delight for the first time ever in her life. Well, since Tiff had no stuff with her because the author wanted to save time, Hermione and Tiff decided to just skip around, eat pudding, and talk about boys.

"So do u luv a boy?" Tiff asked randomly as they made another lap around Hermione's room, a spoonful of vanilla pudding in her mouth. Hermione almost choked on her own pudding. Love? Although Hermione was oh so very witty, love had never been a subject she was very good in. Neither was Algebra, though. Letters being numbers? That's just mental. Anyway, Hermione had never really thought about love. Love was just not her thing, and blah blah blah.

"Love?" Hermione mimicked.

"Thats write," Tiff answered. "its my job az ur mary-sue cuz to come and spend teh rest of the summer w/ u 2 help u get the wuv of ur life through a very wild, overeggig... however you spell it, makeover. its all in teh plut. did u even read wat we Mary-sue cuzz were used for." Hermione began to blush, because for once in her life, she didn't read something. Ohmagaw! This is unbelievable! It must be a sign of the apocaly- oh... wait... nevermind. It's just another OOC moment. False alarm.

"A makeover?" Hermione didn't like the sound of that. Tiff nodded her head, and Hermione hesitated. She began to debate with herself in her head wether or not to go along with her cousin's crazy idea, because the author liked the idea of the characters debating with themselves in their heads.

_'Should I do it?'_

'Go for it! You deserve a change.'

_'I don't know... what if something goes wrong?'_

'Don't think like that! Think about what good will come from this.'

_'But what will my friends think when they find out?_

'Who cares what they think? It's what _you _want. That's all that matters.'

_'I... I-I can't! It's my best mate's little sister for goodness sake!'_

'...Um... what...? Wrong plot...'

_'Huh...? Oh, yea... so wait... what are we talking about then?_

'Why you should get a makeover!'

_'Oh...'_

So Hermione continued to ponder about the pros and cons of her getting a makeover for the next five minutes, and finally came to a very 'unexpected' conclusion. "Well... alright. I mean, if I was in character right now, I would probably say something along the lines of, 'if a boy doesn't like me for who I am, they're not worth my time,' and, 'you're idea is completely insane,' but... I'm not. So, let's go!"

Tiff's face lit up with joy as she grabbed Hermione's wrist, and dragged her through the house, out the door, and to the nearest mall that was, ironically, five minutes away walking distance. What are the odds of that? When they got there, Tiff spun around, and began to examine Hermione, deep in thought about something that won't be mentioned, because the author had no idea what to say she was thinking about. A light bulb seem to appear on top of her head. Well, Tiff hated to waste electricity because that's just how she is, so she decided to turn it off. Just then, her idea vanished from her mind, and it wasn't until she turned it back on until she was able to remember what it was. The author had her do this a few more times because it amused her, but then she began to curse when she figured she was getting off-topic again for about the hundredth time, and had Tiff leave the light bulb on. Tiff's idea stayed secure in her head, and she decided to put her 'master plan' into action before it disappeared again.

Tiff grabbed ahold of her cousin's wrist again, and pulled her into the hair salon that was only a few feet away, because there is always a hair salon close by wherever Hermione and her cousin were at in these stories. Well, Tiff was not the type to wait and the author wanted to rush this story as quick as possible so she could get to the part in her fanfiction when Hermione and Draco have steamy, hot sex, so Tiff dragged Hermione over to a vacant chair, and began to explain to the hair dresser in great detail what she wanted.

"...and bangs. i wan her 2 have bangs, cus bangz r in."

The hair dresser stared at Hermione's hair with raised eyebrows, over at Tiff, back at Hermione's hair, back at Tiff, then began to hum the Phantom of the Opera. "Are you frickin' kidding me? How am I suppose to fix this?"

Tiff took a step towards the hair dresser, her eyes blazing with anger... not sure why she was so mad, but she was. "Lopk, ubetter do my cuzs' hare, or i will use mah supa freakie powers tha no1 nos about, not even u. An' not even me. do u see the beauty of it all?" The hair dresser nodded in fear, and quickly began to work on Hermione's hair. Well, the author didn't really feel like typing what the hair dresser was doing because that was just dumb, so she just decided to put a mindless yet witty:

_A Bagillion Hours Later._

"Omg! I absolutely, like, luv it!" Hermione cried, petting her hair with glee as she walked out of the salon with her cousin. Hermione's voice was now suddenly filled with computer slang, and her personality seemed to be ten times more OOC then before. Grreeaaat... But what can you do? It's how these 'Hermione gets a makeover' stories work, and I have to stick with the main plot for obvious reasons. Anyway, Hermione was now a totally different person, and her self esteem was now through the roof.

"I new u would," Tiff replied with a broad smile. "itz like ur a ttly diff. person. U r now... HOAR-MIONE!" Oh, how right she was. No longer was Hermione plain old, boring, average Hermione Granger, but now she was plain old, boring, average Hermione Granger... with a slutty new look that won't be described until Hermione was on the Hogwarts' Express, because that's where it's usually described.

Well, since Tiff had helped her out, Hermione felt it was the right time to tell her cousin she was a witch. So... she did. And her cousin's reply was a bit of a shocker... You ready for this one? Alright, here we go...

Drum roll...

Suspense building...

Almost there...

"R u serious? Omg! so am I!" Tiff exclaimed. Whoa, didn't see that one coming...

"Really?" Hermione replied, her eyes growing wide.

"Uh huh," Tiff continued. "and, u no wat else? imma be goin' to hogwartz this year even though hog warts only alows peeps from england 2 go there, cus i only realized i was a which a few secs ago, and i'm gunna make out w/ all the boyz, cus thats teh only thing i eva do, until the time comes 4 me to destroy voldy-mort with my awesomely kewl supa powers thats even more powerfull then all wizardz put togetha, and than dieslowly in Harries arms. i am also snap's daughter."

Hermione nodded her head slowly, trying to understand as much as her cousin's computer slang as possible. "Uh... riight... yea... u do that... awesume..." She might of transformed into a computer slang speaking Mary-Sue, but this new Hermione still had _alot_ to learn before she was Dramione cliché potential.

"Well, best b off 2 prepare 4... thingz," Tiff said with a wave.

Hermione understood that, and she began to panic. "wait! dont u need 2 stay here 4 teh rest of the sum, and like, talk an' giggle bout boys w/ me?"

"Hm... I _could_ do tha'..." Tiff quickly gave her cousin another wave, before running off down the road, leaving a very confused Hermione to stand there alone. Hermione then shrugged and decided to head home because she had nothing better to do. When Hermione got home, she jumped over her dead sister - 'I should move that... oh well.' - and dashed up to her room, unsurprised to find a letter waiting there for her. There was always a letter waiting for a character when they returned to their room because it helped the plot for... some reason...

Hermione plucked up the parchment, ripped it open, and began to read. It was from Ron.

_Yo, bitch,_

_Man, u wanna come and chill at my crib 4 awhile? we can play chess and shitz. Hit me up w/ ur answer, ho._

_With wuv,_

_Ron._

Hermione jumped with joy. Oh, how she would love to go over to Ron's and show off her new look to everyone. Especially that Mary-Sue whore, Ginny. She would be oh so very jealous. Why did Hermione care if Ginny was oh so very jealous? I don't know. Must have to do with that point of view crap. Hermione could sure hold a grudge. But anyway, Hermione quickly stopped jumping for joy when she realized something: she wasn't suppose to see any of her friends until the next chapter when they're all on the Hogwarts' Express. There they would mistake her as a new student and hit on her until Hermione told them that it was really her, and then they would share a long, awkward ride to Hogwarts together. Draco would also burst in a good one or two times, be all OMG EMO, and she would think about his odd behavior for the rest of the trip. That's how these Dramione clichés work, and Hermione always followed the rules of the plot. So, with a large sigh, Hermione pulled out a parchment and quill, and, with no ink mentioned, began to write a long, heartfelt reply to Ron, not telling him the real reason because her makeover was suppose to be a surprise.

_Ron,_

_I can't come over, because... well... um... let's see... I have to go... see... Victor! That's right! Even though I have explained countless times that me and Victor are just platonic friends, I feel it's time to tell you that I lied, and me and him are going to spend a romantic summer together, and shag like rabbits a good twenty times. And I don't care if you're jealous, because me and Victor make a SUPER CUTE couple. I'm also pregnant with his child. That's right. Sucks for you._

_Anyway, hope your summer is going good. I'll see you at school._

_With love,_

_Hermione._

Hermione sent the letter off with a strange owl that just suddenly seemed to be there. She sighed with sadness as she watched it disappear over the horizon. She knew Ron was going to be a jealous wreak after he read it, but it had to be done... for the sake of the plot...

_Miles away at the Burrow._

"Omg! I am so jealous!" Ron cried as he read through the letter from Hermione a fifth time, only receiving it a few seconds ago. He then wepted into his pillow for the rest of the summer because he's just so sensitive like that. Also, Harry and Ginny had hot, steamy sex in some closet somewhere. Interesting.

_Back at Hermione's._

"wowzer, that was random," Hermione told herself with a sigh. "hm..., now wat am i 'pose 2 do? I got my make-over, so... now wat? Does teh chap end? sHould I reed or somein'?" Well, the author thought this was a good idea , but remembered that she wasn't going to let her do this unless cats began to fly, and they still- oh, what the hell?

Just then, a cat flew by at top speed.

Hermione then spent the rest of the summer reading _Howarts; A History _a good fifty times because it was the only book she ever read in fanfictions, staring at herself in the mirror because she was so TTLY HAWT now, and having her parents buy her a bunch of skanky clothes for school, even though she couldn't ever wear them to school because Hogwarts has a strong dress code that everyone seems to forget about. But she's going to anyway because she was a rebel now. And now the chapters almost over. But how to end it?

"u know," Hermione began with narrowed eyes, turning her attention away from her book, "Dracos P.O.v. was mooch longer than moi's - 129 words 2 bee exact. U think i wouldnt not!xe,butt i've already 'plained that I m Hermione granger, and i not!ce thingz. I think u should mak iy fair, go back, and typ 129 more-"

Alright, that's it. The end... of this chapter.

"Hey! i m not dune talkin'! draco may nut care ig u interrupt him, but i sure-"

-:-

_To be continued._

-:-

**A/N: **_Phew._ Geez, that took a while. Damn... that was _**way** _**longer** then chapter one. Alright, now after I typed this, I think chapter one is **much better**, but whatever. Hope you still **liked it**... now I'm nervous that you won't. :( Haha! I sound like such a wussy in these author notes. Anyway, please read and review. I **don't care** if you flame it, because they make me laugh, and I'm going to continue anyway. Oh, and **don't worry**, Hermione **won't** talk like that through the whole story. Also, if you read the white out part, I wrote a **secret message** in the second sentence. Can anybody guess what it is? Haha! What the hell? Anyway, the next chapter will be up **soon**. It's called: _Chapter III: A Very Unoriginal Train Ride_. Hope you enjoy. :)


	3. A Very Unoriginal Train Ride

**Disclaimer: **I. Own. Nothing.

-:-

_Chapter III: A Very Unoriginal Train Ride_

-:-

The Hogwarts' Express rolled down the tracks, many happy students sitting inside the compartments of the train, chatting and laughing with their friends, ready to begin another year at their magical school of... magic. But none of these people are even remotely important in this part of the story, and why the author is even mentioning them is very odd. No, the only person who has any significant purpose at this point in this chapter was a girl who was sitting in the last compartment of the train, her head pressed up against the glass window.

_Now_ it's time for me to tell you what this certain someone looks like in painful detail since I deprived all you hungry readers this intense information last chapter. I truly am sorry, but it had to be postponed until this chapter for obvious reasons. And now I'm pretty sure that all of you we-love-it-when-authors-explain-to-us-in-horrible-detail-about-the-appearance-of-a-character fan... people... are sitting on the edge of your seats in anticipation, waiting for me to get on with it already. Well, I'll stop rambling now, since I really don't want to get a bunch of threatening letters from you lot, and I really need to move on. Plus, I'm starting to lose track of the point. Alright then. Ahem.

The girl had long, shiny, velvet bro - no, scratch that - _chestnut_ colored hair that cascaded down her back in soft waves, much like a soothing waterfall. She had bright, chocolate brown eyes that had a faint, purplish tint to them, and a beautiful, tan complexion. She wore a hot pink, leather shirt that showed off her perfectly flat stomach, an extra _extra **extra**_ **extra** ex- alright, alright. Sorry... She wore an _extremely _short, hot pink skirt that showed off her long, slender legs, and a pair of knee-length, hot pink boots that were about seven inches tall. (Wow. Seven inches? How is she able to pull that off?) She also wore a pair of headphones, Fall Out Boy (Omfg! Bestest baind EVa!1!) blasting into her ears. Well, in other words: this girl was HAWT stuff. But not just toaster oven hot, I mean second degree burns hot. Forest fire hot. A giant ball of flames hot. The sun hitting the earth- alright, alright. She was frickin' hot. We get it.

But who was this strange, mysterious girl? Lavender Brown? Pansy Parkinson? Britney Spears? Well, if you guessed any of those, you're _wrong_! Now the author is wondering why anyone would think it was Britney Spears, but just comes to the conclusion that this is one weird world we live in, and people come up with some of the craziest ideas. (coughSnarrycoughcough) Anyway, this strange girl was none of the above, and just so happened to be... alright, are you sure you're ready for this one? It's going to be a real mind blower. Alright... she was none other then... Hermione Granger. Huh, huh? Are you surprised? I knew you would be. I think I did a great-

"Excuse me," spoke Hermione for the first time, her voice sounding like wind chimes dancing with the soft, spring breeze, "but I think there has been a mistake." The author couldn't help but laugh, because she _never _makes mistakes, but decided to ask what Hermione was going on about. "My name isn't Hermione Granger." Now the author was confused. Not Hermione? How was that possible? This can't be possible, right? Well, if this wasn't Hermione, who was this person then? And why is she in my story? How the fuck did she get into my story? Why do I have so many questions? Why-

"To shut you up, and to answer your rather long list of pointless questions that you just asked," the Hermione-look-alike began, able to read the non-dialogue part of the story because she was just so very brilliant like that, "my name is Ebony Anna-Marie Ashli Sunshine Ray Silver Glitter Crescent Granger-Riddle, and I'm Hermione's identical twin sister. You see, Hermione and me were separated at birth, and I was raised by the Dark Lord as a Death Eater, and now I'm going to Hogwarts to-"

Alright, nobody cares.

Hm... so wait... if this girl wasn't Hermione, where was she? Well, the author knew that in order to continue with this thrilling story, she must find the real Hermione... duh... So, she began to look. And she looked. And she looked some more. And after about ten more minutes of looking, she was about to give up, when realization struck her: she was the author. She could just type that she found Hermione... double duh... So, after looking in one last compartment, sure enough there sat Hermione in all her sexy glory. She wasn't in the last compartment, she was in the _second _to last compartment. Of course.

Anyway, since Hermione and Ebony Anna-Mary... Ashley... whatever she said were identical twins, there was really no point in the author repeating her appearance over again when they looked exactly the same. Oh, how wonder- I mean... what a shame... Oh well. But since Hermione wanted to be known for something more then 'the twin sister of a girl that suddenly popped up out of nowhere, and no one had ever seen before', the author decided to change her hot pink clothes to black. Besides, black is _way _sexier. Wait... yea, it is.

Anyway, since the author has nothing more to say about this, she just decides to skip around a bit, and cut to the scene when Harry and Ron burst in. So, at that very moment, Harry and Ron burst into Hermione's compartment. Now what are the odds of that? Hermione knew it was her friends because she was just wise like that, so she turned off her super _quul_ iPod, and turned towards her friends with a grin. Sure enough, there stood Harry and Ron, but not how Hermione expected. Ron was sobbing uncontrollably, and Harry was giving his depressed friend sympathetic glances.

"Oh God. _Another_ Dramione story? I don't think I can handle another one of these. I just can't take the madness anymore," Ron sobbed.

"I know, mate. I know," Harry sighed, friendly rubbing the redhead's back... but not _too _friendly all you weird, slash loving fangirls. "It's tough, but if we work together, we'll be able to pull through it. Just stay strong."

Ron shook his head, and began to cry into his hands. "But this won't be the last one, Harry! They'll keep coming! One after the other... It will _never_ end! And they'll continue to make me extremely dense, or a total jerk, having me beat Hermione for no reason. Then she'll go and run off into the comfort care of a clean and redeemed Malfoy, and leave me to die. Why do they hate me so much, Harry? Why? I just want to be loved."

"I don't know," Harry replied. "I really have no clue... But I _do_ know that you better shut the hell up so we can get this bloody story over with. Besides, this is getting... kind of creepy."

The author couldn't agree with Harry anymore then she already did, so she decided for this to be the perfect time for Hermione and all her hotness to be noticed. So, Hermione began to stand up, and was about to clear her throat in a very load, very obnoxious way, when her great lack of walking in seven inch heels took hold of her, and she soon found herself colliding with the ground. Not the great appearance Hermione wanted to make, but it still had the same effect. Ron suddenly stopped crying, and him and Harry began to stare at her in shock, just realizing that there was another person in their presence. Wow... these two sure aren't very observant.

Hermione quickly got up, trying to act as if that never happened. "harry! Ron!" Hermione cried, brushing off the dust that clung to her clothes. "itz soo nice 2 c u 2! I missed u guy, like, so ttly much. How was ur guys summer? mine was... pretty... good... r u 2 ok?"

Hermione was now staring at them with creased eyebrows, because that's what anybody would do when they see two boys standing in front of them, their mouths hanging open, and drool trailing down the side of their lips. She was very smart when it came to boys, though, so Hermione was quite certain that they were just gapping at her new look. But instead of getting offended like normal Hermione would do, Hermione instead smirked a smirk that would make Draco's smirk wish his smirk was half as good as her smirk. Now the author is amazed that she able to use the word 'smirk' five times in one sentence. I think that's a new record.

"Oh, thiz?" Hermione laughed, gesturing towards her body. "u lyk? i got a make-over over teh summer. U c, my cuz cam o-"

"I wonder who this new girl is," Ron spoke up, cutting Hermione off, wiping away his drool, and snapping out of his omfg-this-girl-is-soo-fine trance. Hermione was rather confused at her friend's words. Sure, Hermione may be an expert on boys, but there were still many things that she didn't quite get, and someone calling her a 'new girl' was one of them.

"Probably some transfer student from America," Harry sighed, cleaning off his own saliva.

"Why do you say that?"

"Because that's where they're _always_ from."

"U guys," Hermione chuckled nervously, "Wat r u talkin' about? Its me, her-"

"Wonder what her name is," Harry... wondered, interrupting Hermione, and making her grow rather irritated.

"Probably some normal name written all weird, like Madysonne. Or maybe something like Zuka," Ron replied.

"Zuka?" Harry questioned with raised eyebrows.

Ron shrugged. "It's possible - fanfiction writers like to give their Mary-Su- ahem. I mean, their _original characters _very odd and unique names."

Hermione began to grit her teeth, growing more and more frustrated by the second. "U GUYS! ITs ME-"

"Nah, it's probably not Zuka," Harry said after a moment of pondering. "Maybe something like Creestal. Or Layana."

"Layana might work," Ron agreed with a slight nod.

"_Layana_? Out of all teh namez u to culd of com up w, u settle w/ _Layana_? Tat is buy far the worse name i have eva h-"

"Well, I know one thing is for sure," Ron said with slight amusement in his tone.

"What's that, Ron?"

"This girl is definitely _not_ Hermione."

Harry and Ron stared at each other for a few moments, before both broke out laughing, making Hermione shake with rage.

"That's for sure," Harry said after a while of laughing. "Where is that bitch anyway?"

"I'm not sure," Ron answered, his own laughter decreasing to mere chuckles, "but God, do I hate her."

"We are _so_ OOC right now."

"Yea, I know."

"High five, man!"

"High five!"

So they did a high five, but I suppose you already figured this out. Now Hermione was so angry she looked like she was about to burst. She began to make strange noises that sounded alot like an animal growling. Harry and Ron turned towards her, noticing for the second time that she was there, because they seemed to have forgotten.

"Oh, were you trying to say something?" Harry asked her.

"Yea! i was!" Hermione yelled. "I;ve ben tryin' 2 say tat-"

"You are so fine," Ron suddenly blurted out.

"yes... well... i no, but-"

"If I could change the alphabet, I'd put 'U' and 'I' together."

"thanx... anyway-"

"If I looked up 'sexy' in the dictionary, I'd see your picture."

"ok, cAn u shut-"

"If you were a booger, I'd pick you!" Harry piped up, making Hermione and Ron stop what they were doing, and stare at him with disappointment.

"wow," Hermione sighed after awhile. "Tat was by far the wors pickup line i ever heard."

"Yea, mate, that was pretty sad," Ron added.

"Yea, I know," Harry mumbled, looking down at the ground in shame.

"Anywho," Hermione continued, trying to get back on-topic. As much as she would love to continue to point and laugh at how pathetic Harry was, is was time to move on. "as i waz say-"

"Why do you talk like that?" Ron questioned.

"Lyk wat?" she snapped, ready to knock them both out for interrupting her for the fourteenth time. Now we all know that they haven't interrupted her fourteen times, and that the author is clearly overexaggerating, but it's her job to overexaggerate the plot, so just get over it.

"Like... all computerized," Harry continued.

"iz how i talk, so-"

"It's really hard to follow," Harry commented. "Maybe you should use a spellchecker."

Hermione sighed with frustration. "luuk, if i use ah spell check, will u stop intt... interu... let meh finish?"

Harry nodded his.

"Probably not," Ron said with a shrug. Hermione sighed at his words, but decided to take the chance, because she was a risk taker.

So from then on, Hermione used a spellchecker, and she was finally able to tell them her true identity without any interruptions. Ron had stuck to his word, and began to say something right in the middle of her explanation, but with a bit of help from a sock and some duct tape, they were able to get past this little inconvenience.

After she was done with her speech (which seemed like it was never going to end), Harry and Ron - who had to be shaken awake, because even though Hermione was really fly now, she still bore the hell out of them - were both a little skeptical at first, but Harry finally understood after Hermione, Hermione's American cousin, Remus, and three scientists explained it to him. But after two more scientists, charts, graphs, a play format of Hermione when she got her makeover, a well-thought-out report, and a copy of chapter two, everyone just sort of gave up on Ron. He said he understood, but everyone knew that he was still completely oblivious to everything. Maybe it was his vacant stare, confused expression, or his strange obsession with calling Hermione different names, ranging from Amy to Cloe. Whatever the case was, Ron was still just as dumb as ever.

Now the trio was sitting in awkward silence. Hermione was in deep thought, trying to figure something out. Ron was just twiddling his thumbs, thinking about Quiddith and chess, since that's all he ever thinks about. Quiddith and chess. Chess and Quiddith. Food also fell in this category sometimes as well. Harry on the other hand, was fidgeting in his seat, trying to stop himself from checking out his sexy friend's rack, because they were just friends, and THAT'S IT...! Ahem... sorry... Yes, it was very awkward indeed.

"I just figured something out!" Hermione perked up in her _smart ass_ voice a few hours later, breaking the awkward silence. Man, oh man. A few hours? I don't even know what to say... it's just _that_ sad...

"What?" Harry asked, trying as hard as he could to stop himself from staring at her chest. Sadly, he failed miserably at this, so when he talked it looked like he was having a conversation with her... er... 'girls'.

"A whole sum- Harry, my face is up here," she said, a bit shocked. Even though she was really disturbed, that didn't stop her OOCness to rear it's ugly head, and have her let out a giggle. Harry jumped at her words, and began to look at Hermione with fake interest of what she was about to say, but not without shooting quick glances back towards her chest now and then. "Um... as I was saying... a whole summer has just went by in one chapter. Isn't that amazing?" Thank you, Hermione, for pointing out the obvious again. How would we live without your amazing wit? Well, the author has got an idea to the answer of this question, and you can see it right here: i49 .photobucket .com/albums/f255/unicornmagick/Yo .jpg (Without the spaces, of course.)

To Hermione's great surprise, and to pretty much everybody's as well, instead of calling her 'Miss know-it-all' and telling her to 'shut the fuck up', Harry and Ron nodded their heads in agreement, both wearing big, cheesy, fake grins.

"You're so smart, Gwen," Ron sighed. He then scooted over so he was right next to Hermione, placed his head on her shoulder, looked up at her with large, puppy dog eyes, and began to smile a big, yet disturbing, grin. Hermione began to throw him uncomfortable glances, and slowly began to inch away. Unfortunately, Ron noticed this, and began to move along with her. They did this for a few minutes, until Hermione was up against the wall. She quickly got up, and ran over to the other side of the compartment, only to have Harry do the same thing.

'Ugh,' Hermione groaned to herself as Harry nestled his head onto her shoulder, 'Draco better randomly come in here soon, or I might- wait, did I just say I _want_ Draco to come in here...? Oh, no, I just said he better get in here soon. Oops. Well, he better, or- wait, does this mean I love him? Yes, it- no, that's rubbish talk. I did not just say I _wanted_ him to come in here. I- oh wait. I really didn't. I just said-'

Alright, Hermione, that will be enough...

Just then, the compartment door flew open, and, lo and behold, Draco Mal- ahem. I mean, Draco _Bear_ and his two goons that don't deserve to have their names mentioned stood in the doorway. How ironic. Now who saw that one coming? What a surprise. Everybody quickly sat up, ready to begin another one of these amazing scenes.

"Well, well, well," Draco began, because that is how he _always_ begins his speech in the train, "look who we have here: Potty, Weasel, and some very sexy girl that I have never seen before, who just so happens to be Granger, but I'm not supposed to know this. Now I just realized that I don't have a crazy creative name for Granger like I do for Potter and Weasley, except for maybe 'Mudblood', but that's not crazy or creative. Nope. Not one bit. Maybe I'll call her Beaver... or Berry Berry Bits. That reminds me, I'm hungry."

"Malfoy, why do you always have to come into our comepartmant?" Harry sighed.

"How dare you, Potter!" Draco hissed, his voice cracking. Everybody's mouths dropped when they saw his eyes glaze over, and tears roll down his cheeks. It was at this point that everyone took into consideration his black clothes, his black make-up, his unslicked hair, and his very pale skin. Surprising how nobody noticed this to begin with, but it's already been covered that these guys just weren't all that observant. "First of all, it's _BEAR_! Draco _BEAR_! Don't you ever call me Malfoy again! Second, I'm forced to come into your guys' gay as compartment in everyone of these stupid stories to tell Granger that we need to be in the Head compartment right away. Third, you spelt 'compartment' wrong."

Harry's mouth opened and closed like a fish, because the author didn't have anything better for him to do. Ron's ears turned red, because that's what Ron does. Hermione did something, but that's not important. The two goons just stood there, looking dumb. And Draco... did something also.

"Anyway, if you see Granger, tell her to go to the Head compartment," Draco explained.

'What the hell? Head compartment...?' Hermione thought. 'Oh yea! I'm Head girl! How could I forget that? Hm... maybe it was the hair spray... Wait... does this mean... Malfoy is... Head boy? Dammit. Why am I always stuck with him? Can't these stupid authors figure out a more romantic way to put us together? Or maybe one that makes more sense? And why is he always Head boy? Does everybody forget that he is a horrible student?' Hermione folded her arms, and began to mumble to herself.

"But... er, _Bear_... Hermione is right-"

Well, whoever was talking never got to finish, because Draco briskly slid the door shut, and walked away, his two bodyguard... things following at his heels. Now that was just rude... godammit! Draco better stop going back into character! Anyway, the trio looked at each other, then shrugged. Harry allowed his head to fall back down onto Hermione's shoulder, and Ron ran over and stationed himself on the other side of her. Hermione quickly shot up, Ron and Harry's head smashing into each other.

"Well, I better be off to the Head compartment," she cried, actually happy to get away from her friends, and go to the Head compartment with Malfoy... Bear... yea...

'Wait, did I just say-'

Don't even start that again.

Anyway, she was just about to exit, but not before pulling out a small mirror that she just happened to suddenly have, and checked to make sure her hair was perfect and her make-up wasn't smudged. (Wasn't that just pointless to mention?) Satisfied, she walked out, but not before hearing one of the boys cry, "Don't leave! I love you!", and then the other one cry, "I love you more!", followed by the sound of two bodies struggling on the ground, screams, and a bunch of punching noises... Wow... somebody could _really_ get the wrong idea about that.

As she traveled down the hall, she was having great difficulty walking in her boots, and she had to keep grabbing onto things to keep her balance. But even if she looked like a drunk person trying to get to the loo, that didn't stop her from looking extremely hot. Now you're all probably getting really annoyed that Hermione's hotness keeps getting mentioned, but it's a key element in this story, and you all have to be reminded so you don't forget. So... Hermione was hot.

Even though it took her forever to get down the hall, Hermione was finally - Damn, she was hawt. - able to make it to the Head compartment. Taking a deep breath to prepare herself for... stuff, Hermione opened the compartment, and the sight that greeted her was rather strange. Draco Malfoy-Bear-whatever was already there, sitting in the far corner of the compartment, cutting his arm with a piece of paper.

"Depressed... alone... darkness is my only friend," he sighed in pleasure.

"Wow, this is some messed up stuff," Hermione mumbled. Feeling the dark aura of another - Or maybe he just heard her talking. I don't know. - Draco turned towards Hermione, and hissed like an angry cat.

"Who are you?"

"Uh, Hermione Granger... Duh!"

"No you're not. Granger is plain, boring and average looking. You're, like, one sexy piece of meat," he stated.

Hermione's cheeks turned a faded tint of pink, with a bit of greenish blue splashed in. 'That was so ni- Ugh! This is Malfoy! Gross!'

"I _am_ Hermione!" she cried. She then began to go into another one of her rants that makes people wish she would just shut up, and makes them fall asleep. So, sure enough, in a matter of time Draco was snoozing away, and didn't wake up until the five scientists from before came to explain it to him as well. Two paramedics had to be rushed in too, because once he figured out that this girl was really Hermione, the poor guy had a heart attack.

"Oh my God!" he gasped when he was revived. He quickly slapped one of the paramedics across the face. "What the hell is your problem? I could of died! You ruined _everything_!"

"Ahem... Well, if you two are quite done," spoke up a voice, making them both jump in surprise. Hermione turned around to see Professor McGonagall sitting in one of the seats across from Draco, holding a long piece of parchment. The two paramedics walked out of the room, one of them crying like crazy, and the other one shooting Draco death glares. Draco countered his glare by sticking out his tongue in a very babyish way. I do love his maturity.

"Professor? When did you get here?" Hermione asked.

"I have actually been here the entire time, Miss Granger," McGonagall explained. "Now if you would please shut up, I would like to explain to you two the rules. Ahem." Well the list was pretty long, and to explain every rule to you would be alot of hard work, and the author is just to lazy to do that. So, to put it plain and simple, Draco and Hermione had to patrol together, live together, hang out together, solve the mystery of the Chamber of Secrets together - "We already figured that out!" - and pretty much do everything under the sun together with no exceptions. What is the perfect way to have two sworn enemies fall in love then have them stuck together twenty-four seven? It's full-proof. Anyway, when McGonagall was finally done, Hermione was extremely depressed about the rules, while Draco was beaming that he got to spend so much time with Hermione... What? Did you all forget about his love for Hermione...? Yea, so did I...

"Well, that's it... bye," McGonagall said, while she stood up, and ran off to do whatever it is McGonagall does. Now that that was over, it was time for the follow-up scene filled with EXTREME drama... EXTREME!

Draco sighed, and turned towards Hermione. God, she was just so beautiful. He could just melt in her pools of chocolate brown eyes, and, oh, how he wished to run his fingers through her- blech! Alright, this Draco in love with Hermione thing is just getting sickening! Ugh! "Granger, look-"

"Look, Mal-"

"Bear!"

"Look, _Bear_," Hermione hissed, "I hate this just as much as you do. Just stay out of my way, and everything will be just fine."

"Sounds fine to-"

"You're such a prat! Just because I have to share a common room with you doesn't mean I want to shag you! Do I have to spell it out for you?"

"I never said-"

"Oh, there you go again! Expecting me to just fall right into bed with you, huh? Well, I'm not that easy! Just because you're the _Slytherin Sex God_, and every girl wants you, doesn't mean _I_ want you!"

"Ok, you have gone-"

"I don't want to snog you! How many times do I have to explain this to you? God!"

Draco opened his mouth to protest, but Hermione had already stormed out of the compartment, and was now slowly making her way back to her own compartment, tripping and stumbling as she moved. Draco rolled his eyes.

"What a hot weirdo," Draco told himself, a black cat walking up to him. He began to pet the mysterious animal, and mumble strange things to it in a foreign language. "I can't help but love her, though... She is my heart! But she will never love me... Why doesn't she love me?" Draco soon began to cry, and the cat took this opportunity to steal his wallet. Evil kitty. Now Draco was depressed, emo, _and_ poor. How tragic.

-:-

After ten minutes, Hermione finally crawled her way into the compartment. And when I mean she crawled, she literally crawled. Harry and Ron were too wrapped up in an _exciting _game of Wizards' Chess to notice their friend crawling around on the ground, so she was forced to get up into one of the seats herself, which took her about ten more minutes of her time. When she was finally comfortable, her feet were killing her, but decided against taking off her boots, because that would make her less sexy, and she just wouldn't be able to live with herself if that happened.

She turned towards the two boys, and noticed that they each had bloody noses, Harry's glasses were cracked, and Ron had a black eye. They seemed to be into their game to notice that they had severe injuries, though, making Hermione roll her eyes. 'What a pair of idiots.' Hermione looked down at their game. Ron was of course winning, because- wait... no! No, he wasn't winning! Harry was winning this time! Harry _never_ wins! Why do you all keep forgetting Harry's amazing chess skills? Does everybody not remember the time when Harry took his chess team to the finals, and won them the championship? Of course you don't, because that never happened! But that's not the point! The point is that Harry deserves this! Yes... yes, he does!

"Oh, this is just terrible," Hermione cried in a dramatic why, letting out a huge sigh. It was the time of the story when she whined and compained about everything that had just happened. Great. Hermione glanced over at her friends to see that they were still looking at their game, and paying no mind to her. "I said, this is just terrible!" Still nothing. Frustrated, Hermione whacked her hand across Ron's back. He jumped, and turned around angrily. "Hey! I said, this is terrible!"

"Oh, hey Hermione," Harry said with a wave.

"When did you get here?" Ron asked her. Hermione's right eye began to twitch.

"I am going to kill... oh, nevermind. Look, I have terrible news!" she yelled. Harry and Ron leaned in as Hermione took a deep breath, getting ready to pour her heart out to them.

"Well...?" Ron questioned. "You've just been sitting there holding your breath for an hour. What is it?"

"Oh, sorry," Hermione said, blushing. "Dramatic effect... Anyway, this _terrible _news is... I... have to share a common room... with... Draco Malfoy...!" Insert Hermione's over-the-top gasp here. "Isn't this just terrible?" Harry and Ron looked at her for a few seconds, before turning back to their game without uttering a word. "Wtf? Hello? Did you hear what I said? I said I HAVE TO SHARE A COMMON ROOM WITH MALFOY!"

"Yea, Hermione, we heard you."

"Well? Why aren't you guys all OMG SHOCKED and PISSED OFF?"

"Because, after the 538,235 time it's happened, you and him sharing a common room just isn't that shocking anymore."

"Yea, it's getting kind of old, really."

"Fine! Screw you guys! I can be OMG SHOCKED and PISSED OFF on my own! I don't need you!" she shrieked. Huffing and puffing like a five-year-old, Hermione's mind began to cloud with questions that had nothing to do with the last few paragraphs. 'Even though I hate Malfoy, I couldn't help but notice there was something different about him. But what was it? Did he dye his hair? Maybe is has something to do with his teeth? Well, whatever the reason was, I know for sure that it has nothing to do with him getting beaten and raped over the summer, and now he was some emo, anti-social freak. Nope. No way. Hm... maybe he lost some weight?'

At the same moment Hermione was trying to figure this out, Harry and Ron were having a interesting conversation of their very own. Let's listen in like the nosy readers that we are, sha'll we? Or do I mean, read in? Erm...

"Ohmagaw! I'm actually winning! I never win! This is amazing! Dreams really do come true! Ha ha! In your face, beeyotch! What now?" Harry cried. Ron was looking at the chess board, extremely irritable.

"You're _not_ winning! I am! I _always_ win!" he replied.

"No way! I'll prove it! Check this out," Harry countered. "Queen to B... 4... Yes! See? Bingo!"

"Argh! No! This is impossible!" Ron screamed. He began to check every inch of the game, and soon realized that Harry was actually winning. Oh, the humanity. What a cruel, twist of fates. The one thing Ron was good at, and Harry took that away from him. What a jerk ass. Ron began to grow very jealous, and did the one thing that he could think of: he knocked the chess board off the table. "Oh, look what you did Harry! Now _nobody_ won! I hope you're happy."

Harry's mouth dropped, his eyes twinkling with tears. "No... I was winning... I could of won... why? God, you suck ass Ron!"

"What? Me? Harry, I'm not the one who went into a jealous rage, and knocked the game off the table."

"Yes you-"

"Now now, Harry. You can't blame other people for your actions."

"But you just-"

"Harry, I know you're upset, but you have to calm down. Maybe go to a shrink. I think it will really help your jealous problems."

"But you're the one with the jealous pro-"

"Excuse me," spoke someone from the doorway. Everybody turned to see Ebony Anna-Marie Ashli Sunshine Ray Silver Glitter Crescent Granger-Riddle. Thank you copy and paste.

"DAMN!"

"OHMAGAW, THERE'S TWO!"

"WTF? Why do you look like me?"

"Because I am your identical twin sister. You see, me and you-"

Well, this chapter is pretty much over. Did I forget anything?

"Hey! I'm trying to say something here-"

Oh, I know what I forgot!

"What the hell? Stop ignoring-"

"Anything from the trolley, dears?" spoke that nice witch who pushes it around, making them all jump. Ooh, how random. Anywho, Harry bought one hundred chocolate frogs, fifty bags of those bean things, some other crap, and ninety pumpkin pastries. He also had no intentions of sharing these sweets with his friends, because he just had so much money, and loved rubbing it in his friends' faces... Yes, he loves doing that...! Ron on the other hand, only bought one chocolate frog, because he was dirt poor. Hermione didn't buy anything, because she wanted to maintain her figure. And they all sat around, ready to begin another year at their magical school of... magic, not sure what was to come in the near future, and not really sure they wanted to know with this crazy author controlling them. Bwahahaha.

"Hey! You are so rude! I'm still here, you know? Why won't you let me finish telling my story? I've been trying to say that I'm going to Hogwarts to-"

-:-

_To be continued._

-:-

**A/N: **_Phew_. That was **even longer**! W00t w00t! Yes, this story is starting to get **extra dumb**, but hey? What **can **I say? He he. And yes, I **know** Draco is acting **super freaky**; he's just so **much fun** to type all **weird** and stoofz. Anyway, hope you **liked**, but you probably **don't**. / Intuition? Anyway, **sorry** it took **forever** for me to **update**, though. _Lots _of stuff happened, and it was just... **blah**. Oh, and as for **the picture**. Um... yea... just do what the **bottom right corner says**, and everything will be just **dandy**. I _did_ work **hard **on that, though. A **whole thirty minutes** was put into making that **work of art**. It is prettyful, isn't it:) Anyway, _Chapter IV: Welcome Back, Homiez_, will be up **soon**. And the **chapter title **_will _**make sense**. Just... _wait_. He he. **Doesn't **have much to do with **Dramione **(the **title**, _not_the chapter), but I **couldn't think **of anything better. _Lol._ :) Also, **MY BIRTHDAY **is in two days... **hope to get **_lotsa_ reviews:) Lol.


	4. Welcome Back, Homiez

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but this pathetic excuse of a plot.

-:-

_Chapter IV: Welcome Back, Homiez_

-:-

The date was Febuary 25th, and the Hogwarts Express was... still rolling down the tracks. Harry, Ron and Hermione were all seated comfortable in their compartment, each of them letting off a disgusting odor that smelled a lot like old fish... or was it rotten eggs...? Dirty socks...? Well, whatever it was that they smelled like, the fact of the matter was, they stunk, the thought of taking a shower in the five or six months on the train never seemed to cross their minds. There are showers on the train, ri- liver and five week old tuna! That's it.

Anyway, Hermione was going on and on about make-up, jewelry, etc. Y'know? All that really boring stuff only a whore like Hermione would enjoy. Ron and Harry on the other hand were desperately trying to make their way out the open window in order to leap to their utter demise - their only real option to get away from her. They could just make a run for it of course, but odds are Hermione would just follow along since stalking boys was her specialty.

Harry groaned when he realized he was just to weak to jump, and slumped to the ground after finishing his 78th attempt at suicide. ("Ha! I just got done with my 119th attempt!" Bear cried with glee. "Beat _that_!") Ron soon found himself on the ground next to Harry, and began to sob. "How long has the madness been going on, Harry...? How long has she been talking?"

"Well, according to my watch... about six months," Harry sighed, not really liking this 'new' and 'improved' Hermione... Now the author is wondering how something can be 'new' and 'improved', but that's besides the point. The point is, sure, this new Hermione was extremely hot and the two boys could now stand to look at her for more then five minutes, but atleast the old Hermione would shut up once and a while. This Hermione didn't seem to come with an off-button, and the worst part of it was, the stuff she was talking about was even more boring then what the old Hermione would usually talk about! Yes, I never thought it was possible either, but it's true... there is something _more_ boring then Hermione's long speeches about Elf rights.

"Six months?" Ron repeated dramatically. "Ugh... six months without sex..."

"Yeah, I know what you- wait... who are _you _having sex with?"

"Sex...?" Ron said curiously, letting out a nervous laugh. "Did I say sex? I meant, six months listening to her-"

"Really now? Who would find _you_ attractive?" Harry asked (more to himself) with a chuckle, forcing Ron's mouth to drop to the floor. Yikes, that would hurt.

"Now wait a minute!" Ron yelled. "As a matter of fact, there are _tons_ of girls who find me _very_ attractive!"

"Name one."

"Lavender," Ron replied in a sing-song voice, followed closely by a smug smile.

"Lavender?" Harry questioned. Ron nodded. "Ron, Lavender finds stale bread attractive..." There was a long, silent pause as Ron just stared at Harry before turning his head the other way, folding his arms, and mumbling, "You're an arsehole, Harry."

Harry just shrugged, knowing that it was true. And before you go into that whole 'Harry-is-getting-way-too-OOC-even-though-this-is-a-parody' tantrum, let's not forget the infamous OoTP!Harry, right? Am I right...? That's what I thought... Anyway, he quickly turned his attention back to the babbling Hermione, her eyes looking straight ahead, while her mouth continued to move a mile a minute. Sheesh, does she ever take a breath? And wouldn't she have noticed by now if they weren't really listening to her, even if her skills to pay attention to detail have gone down about 72 percent? Hm... guess not.

"Geez, don't you think the author should sit down on her lazy arse, and continue this story already?" Harry growled. The author would usually reply with an extremely witty retort, but sadly she knew this was the truth, and for that, she is sorry.

"Yeah," Ron said, getting over the fact at how rude Harry was because he is just _so_ understanding and forgiving like that. "Um... Harry?"

"What do you want now?" Harry snapped. He didn't mean to be so rude, he was just... actually, yes he did.

"I was just wondering what was up with the skeleton," Ron explained, pointing a finger towards the skull of a very deceased Ebony Anna-Marie Ashli Sunshine Ray Silver Glitter Crescent Granger-Riddle. Anybody could tell right away that it was Ebony Anna-Marie Ashli blah blah blah for the fact that even though her bones were old and rotting, the color of them was a very pearly white, and they let off a sparkling glow whenever the sun hit them. Okay, now not noticing that Hermione got a new makeover or Draco's emoness I can let slide, but how in the world could they have missed _that_?

"You can't be serious? I just explained that to you a half hour ago!" Harry screeched, but was convinced that his friend was a complete idiot as he noticed the trail of drool rolling down the redhead's chin. Harry rolled his eyes. "Ugh, fine. But I'm _not_ telling you what happened again. I'll just have to run one of those flashback thingys that Malfoy-"

"Bear!"

"-is always going on about."

_Flashback_

Harry and Ginny were making out like mad on Ron's bed, their hair sticking up in every direction, their clothes wrinkled as one another's hands roamed around underneath the fabric.

"Oh, Harry," Ginny moaned, breaking off their passionate kiss. "I love you."

"I love you too," Harry breathed.

Ginny let out a extreme sigh, and flung herself down on the bright orange comforter. "Oh, make love to me on Ron's bed!"

"Okay," Harry answered, quickly tearing off-

_Abrupt End Of Flashback_

"Uh! Er! Sorry, wrong flashback!" Harry fell into a fit of heavy coughs, and prayed that Ron hadn't seen that. He sighed with relief when he saw Ron playing with a little butterfly that had ventured it's way into their compartment, and began to play the real flashback, shoving Ron to get his attention.

_Flashback._

"Blah blah blah, blah blah red pumps."

"Yada yada, peach lipstick yada."

"Blah blah, new diamond ring from Kay, blah blah."

Hermione and Star - the author is growing tired of writing her full name, and just decided to give her a very uncreative nickname - were sitting next to eachother, their voices filling the compartment with pointless drabble. Harry and Ron were standing in front of them, Draco's _handy dandy shotgun that he had just in case of situations like this_ gripped in Harry's shaking hands. He was pointing the tip of the gun between the two girls, not sure which of them he should shoot.

"Come on Harry, what are you waiting for?" Ron cried.

"I can't tell them apart!" Harry explained.

"Kill them both, then! I can't take their conversation any longer!"

"You know I want to Ron, but I can't," Harry sighed. "Hermione needs to stay alive for the sake of the plot... obviously. I just can't tell which one is Hermione, and which one is the girl with the really long, stupid name."

At his words, the girl in all pink stopped talking and arched an eyebrow at him. "Stupid...?"

"That's her!"

"Alright!"

"Well, that's just rude-" Star never did get to finish her sentence, because the trigger was soon pulled, and her entire face was - _censored, for the well being of keeping this story at a maximum of a T rating. _Harry and Ron began to cheer and do a small tribal dance around the dead body, while Hermione continued to be just as irritating as before.

"Yes!" Harry shouted, throwing his fist in the air as a sure sign of victory.

"I'm so happy," Ron said through fits of insane laughter.

"Blah blah," Hermione said, completely unaffected by all that had just happened.

_End Of Flashback_

"Now we'll just have to burn this, because this is pretty much all the evidence a court would need to convict us to life in Azkaban for murder," Harry told Ron, lighting the Flashback on fire... if... that's even possible... "Now do you understand?"

"No."

"Of course not."

"So wait... when did we kill her?"

"About two days ago."

"Then how is it-"

"God, it's like twenty questions with you all the time! When will you stop?" Harry practically screamed. "Don't you have any other friends?"

"No...," Ron answered sadly. "I just thought it was strange how she could be a skeleton already...," he continued. Oh, how smart and observant Ron is... yeah, we need to put an end to that.

"Because the author thought it would be too morbid to say 'corpse', alright?"

"Okay."

"Good," Harry sighed, glad that was finally over.

"Yeah... wait a minute... what the did you and Ginny do on my bed-"

"Hey look, it's that butterfly," Harry said, pointing to the small creature flying around them.

"Where?" Ron cried, giggling as he began to follow it around the compartment.

Harry silently laughed to himself. "Dumbass..." He slowly turned to face out the window, his eyes staring hopelessly outside. "Are we there yet? I'm sick and tired of this stupid train ride!" he whined. Fine, Harry. If all you want to do is complain, I'll give the baby his bottle, and we can arrive at Hogwarts. "Thank you," Harry smilied just as the train began to slow down.

Hermione seemed to have suddenly sprung to life at this, and began to panic at her looks. "Oh no! I look terrible! I smell terrible! I _am _terrible! Quick, I need some assistants!" Just then, Lavender and Parvati bursted in, and quickly began to primp and polish Hermione until she was just as sexy as ever, leaving Harry and Ron to look and smell horrible. Sad. "Thanks, grrls," Hermione responded to their work with glee. "Unfortunately, I have nothing to give you for your accomplishments."

"It's fine," Lavender said with a giant grin.

"As long as we get to see a glimpse of your pure beauty is all the reward we need," Parvati explained.

"I'm so jelly!"

"Me too!"

"Aw, thanks guys," Hermione sighed, her eyes glossy with tears. She flung her arms around both girls before completely breaking down. Parvati and Lavender began to cry too, and soon, the whole area was filled with their joyful, OOC sobs. Any onlooker would be completely revolted by their disgusting and... rather random actions, and Harry and Ron were no exceptions as they began to gag at the sight.

When their tears subsided, Lavender and Parvati waved good-bye and were just about to depart, but not before Lavender gave Ron a quick wink and a little smile, while Parvati plugged her nose to block out the smell that reminded her greatly of a used diaper filled with garbage that was radiating off both boys. Ron looked at Harry with a I-frickin'-told-you-so-jerk look, while Harry just shoke his head. He opened his mouth to say something, but couldn't finish because he soon found him and Ron slammed against the wall of the compartment as the train came to a sudden hault. Hermione, who had remained stationed firmly where she stood, jumped up and down with joy at this.

"We're here! Finally, everyone can see how lovely I look now!" she cried, making a dash for the door, but not before stumbling forward as her boots began to show their nasty sideaffects once again. Evil boots, aren't they? Harry and Ron groaned at the sudden impact, and decided it was time that they themselves should get cleaned up. Strange how a heavy collision with a hard surface can bring some sense into people.

Anyway, nothing really interesting happened after this - except if you count the giant squid carrying away Dean and calling him his queen, but that's an entirely different story - so let's just skip on over to the Great Hall where all the students waited impatiently for the stupid sorting to be over so they can eat already. After six months on a train with nothing to eat - the trolly lady and all her snacks seemed to have suddenly 'disappeared' - it was no surprise that these kids were starving... except Hermione, who seemed to have grown accustom to not eating. A girl needs to stay fit, right?

"You know, I just remembered something," Ron suddenly piped up, his voice sounding a bit angry.

"What?" Harry asked, even though he obviously didn't care.

"I'm really mad at you!" he cried, pointing an accusing finger at Hermione, who was in the middle of being eyed by a bunch of second years. Hermione waved back in a very sexy way, but not _too _sexy, of course. Hermione was alot of things, but a pedophile wasn't one of them.

"What did _I _do?" she screamed back dramatically.

"Oh, don't try to play innocent here! Don't tell me you have already forgotten about a certain letter you sent me over the summer!" It took a while for Hermione to remember what he was talking about, and suddenly it hit her like a baseball flying through the air... yeah, I suck at similes.

"Oh, the one about Victor?"

"Yes, the one about Victor!"

"Ron, you were mad about that all summer, and you're just bringing it up _now_?" Harry suddenly questioned, but he was naturally ignored. He usually was during Ron and Hermione's fights. On the outside he looked fine, but deep down it really did upset him... Not that he was ignored, just that they were too busy talking to each other to listen to any of his ten thousand problems. To know that they had lifes of their own really depressed him... side-kicks weren't suppose to have lives! It's the law. No questions asked. Got it? Good.

"You know that wasn't true!" Hermione countered. "I'm not _really _pregnant. I just did it for the plot."

"You're not?" Ron asked.

"Of course not! Do I look pregnant?" Hermione said, standing up and turning to the side to show off her flat stomach, making a few boys and a couple girls faint, while other girls watched her with envy... now Hermione was a little scared that a few _girls_ fainted, but she didn't think too much into it... she didn't think alot these days.

"Hermione... I can't believe you," he whispered.

"What? That I lied?"

"No... that you would deny your baby like that! You have a responsibility as a mother to care and love your baby, and to go and flat out say you don't have one is horrible."

"Ron, I'm not pregnant!"

"Yeah, and I actually have a role in these type of stories besides being the jealous friend that will end up beating you up. Sure, Hermione. Whatever."

Hermione her mouthed to protest, but realized that Ron just wasn't go to get it, and decided to end the conversation at that. Good job, Hermione. You always were the most brilliant one of the group... er, trio. And now, even though you're stupid as hell, you're still the most brilliant? Now that's just sad...

Over at the Slytherin table, Draco was having the same exact conversation with a group of his fellow Slytherins... Okay, maybe he wasn't trying to explain to them that he wasn't pregnant, but something like that... like, he was having the same conversation, only different... well, no, he was... oh, forget it.

"What's an... _emo_?" Blaise questioned.

"Someone whose really sad and depressed... like me," Draco answered. He sighed. He had gotten alot of questions like that since he had returned, and many of his classmates were giving him strange glances. However, after his many books he had read about emos over the summer, he learned that emos enjoyed when people gave them strange looks... so, he guess he enjoyed it too.

"Wow, that must suck. Glad I'm not-"

"What the hell are you?" Draco suddenly cried.

"Huh? What?"

"Are you a boy or girl?" Draco asked, making Blaise sigh.

"Look, let's settle this once and for all!" Blaise screamed. "I am a... (dramatic drum roll) BOY! Okay? B-O-Y! Boy! Boy! Boy! I don't know where any of you thought that I was a girl, but if I find the idiot who started that stupid rumor... I'm going to... I'm going to..." Blaise suddenly fell silent as foam came out of her mouth... "_Her_? What do you mean _her_-"

"So, you're a girl?"

"Yes- I mean, no! I'm a boy!"

"Yeah, sure. Okay you are," Draco said with a smirk, rolling his eyes.

"Why don't you believe me?"

"If I told you I believe you, will you shut up?"

"Maybe..."

"Okay... I believe you."

"You don't mean that."

"I know."

"Look, I'm just going to-"

"Is it your time of the month? You seem really upset about something."

"...I'm just going to let that slide... deep breath... all is well..." However, Blaise couldn't keep her temper from rising, and was just about to slash Draco with a very rusty knife that she... was for some reason carrying in her pocket, when suddenly...

A large amount of cheers filled the Great Hall as the large, wooden double doors suddenly bursted open revealing McGonagall and a bunch of kids. But suddenly it all turned into screams of horror at the sight of the ugly, disgusting, greenish colored first years that were trailing behind the professor, and despite the complete lack of food, many found themselves throwing up. Wow. Guess this years extras weren't the best choices. Oh well.

McGonagall ignored all the commotion, and led the eleven-year-olds to the front of the Great Hall. She summoned up a stool, placing in the middle of it the sorting hat that she seemed to have suddenly have. It opened it's... somewhat of a mouth and began to sing, making some of the new students jump back in surprise, and the author arch an eyebrow at how familiar the song sounded.

_"WELCOME TO HOGWARTS!_

_LET'S SORT KIDS ON THEIR WAY_

_WHATEVER HOUSE YOU WANT TO BE IN_

_I'LL PUT YOU THERE, OKAY?_

_LET ME TELL YOU 'BOUT GRYFFINDOR-"_

Alright, that's the last time I leave my Gun's 'N Roses CDs out where anyone could find them. Anyway, the sorting hat seemed a little peeved at being interrupted like that, and refused to sort anyone. But when the author showed him that she could easily throw him into a story where he was paired off with Mrs. Norris and the hungry students began to give him evil glares with knives in their hands, he reconsidered and the sorting began.

One after the other the scared, little, creepy, deformed first years took a seat at the three-legged stool, and one by one they were sorted into one of the four houses. Soon they were down to the last student which was probably the most scared, littlist, creepiest, most deformed first year of the bunch, Edgar E. Zoo - with a name like _that_, you would have to be creepy. He was sorted into Gryffindor, and found himself seated next to an extremely frightened Ron, who was staring at Edgar as if he was inhuman... but how could he not? He had yellow skin!

Once that was over, all that was left was the seemingly pointless speech the headmaster gave year after year. However, considering the headmaster's recent... ahem, _condition_, the only person left to give this speech was McGonagall, but she herself was also in no condition to give the speech, seeing as how she had a picture of Dumbledore pressed against her chest, her eyes were watery, and she was rocking back and force murmuring strange things under her breath. So, it seemed the students would have to wait a bit longer until they got to eat. Pity.

"Why did you have to go like that...?" McGonagall mumbled. "You were everything this school needed. You were smart, brave, manipula- funny. Why did you have to go like this? Why? Why? Why? Wh-"

"Will you chill out, hoe?" a familiar voice snapped in her ear. "Damn, you're embarrassing." McGonagall slowly looked up at the source of the noise, and she felt her mouth begin to open and close like a fish at the sight of a very pimped out Dumbledore, a bandana wrapped around his head, and a bunch of _bling-bling _glimmered around his neck. Gangsta!Dumbledore... classic. He was looking back at the stunned McGonagall, his eyes having that usual annoying twinkle about them. Is it just me, or do you think that he should have that checked out? Really, nobody's eyes should twinkle that much... or at all...

"Professor Dumbledore?" McGonagall gasped. "But I thought you were... (**SPOILER ALERT! **Even though I'm pretty sure everybody read Half-Blood Prince by now... I mean, come on! It's been frickin' two years!) Author notes in the middle of the story are very rude." Screw you. "Anyway, I thought you were... dead!" (Dun dun dun... **END SPOILERS!**)

"Well beeyotch, there is this thing called a _AU_, ya dig?" Dumbledore replied, making strange hand gestures.

McGonagall gave him an odd glance. "Why are you talking like that?"

"Because, woman, this being my second chance and shitz, I felt that I needed to be more down with my students. And that is why I picked up this book: _'Homies guide to being down with the gang'_, to learn more of their language, ya know what I'm sayin' dawg?"

"No."

"Course you wouldn't!"

"You do know that no student at this school actually talks like that..."

"Speak for yourself, slut!" Colin Creevy shouted, folding his arms across his chest in a very gangster way.

"My man!" Dumbledore laughed, bending over to 'pound-it' with Colin.

McGonagall rolled her eyes, her face morphing into an expression that read 'what the hell?' "Well, now that you're here, you can give the speech."

"Don't tell me what to do, skank."

"I'm not... I just saying that now you can give-"

"I don't want to. Ya ever though about that?"

"But... you have to-"

"Will you shut up so I can give the speech? Damn..."

"But-"

"Shut the hell up, you little freaks!" Dumbledore screamed, standing up and out stretching his arms. There was really no point to this, seeing as how none of the students were even talking. The wonders no food can do on a person. "Welcome back, homiez! I know I'm suppose to be dead and shitz, but... I'm not! So listen up! I'd just like to say to all you that you better stay the hell out of the Forbiddan Forest, or your ass is grass... Except for Harry Potter, of course. He can go in there considering he is my favorite student, and I will have every single one of you die a horrible death if it means keeping him from getting hurt, like getting a nasty cut or a bruise. Plus, he's famous. So let's all clap for Harry, everyone." The Great Hall echoed with Dumbledore and Harry's cheers and claps. Everyone else remained silent. Naturally. "Alright, that's enough. We all love Harry. Anyone that's about it... Oh, wait, I almost forgot to mention who the new Head boy and girl are. Geez, how could I forget something that _crucial_ to the plot? Anyway, this years Head girl is... Hermione Granger!"

A large gasped escaped everyones lips as the beautiful girl stood up, waving at all the love-sick boys. Students soon began to panic.

"Hermione is suddenly hot?"

"And is Head girl?"

"That only means..."

"And this years Head boy, is... not Harry Potter? What the hell? This is bullshit!"

"Dammit!" Harry cried.

"Anyway, this years Head boy is... Draco Malfoy."

Draco stood up with all his emo glory, while many students began to scream a bunch of 'oh no's and 'kill them, it's the only way' while others cried 'so cliche... so cliche...'

"Um, Professor?" Malfoy spoke up, addressing the now crying Dumbledore.

"What do you want? Can't you see I am moarning over the fact my star pupil didn't get Head boy?"

"Um... there must of been a mistake... my name isn't Draco _Malfoy _anymore."

"Oh?"

"Yeah... my new name is Draco _Bear_."

"Well, it says right here... Malfoy."

"Yes, but I changed it."

"You can't do that, mofo! It's against the rules."

"But you see, what happened was-"

"Look, I don't give a damn about you being brutally raped and beaten by your father. Now if you were Harry, it would be a different story... but you're not, so it doesn't matter. Now sit down! You're getting annoying! Besides, what kind of stupid name is _Bear_? Were you high when you thought of that? That is the stupidest name I ever heard! Crack is wack! Say nope to dope!"

"Great," Draco hissed, slumping back down in his seat. "Now I have to figure out another way to show my rage and blind fury towards my dad but still have it be in a very teenage rebellious way."

"How are you going to do that?" Blaise said, creasing her eyebrows together. Suddenly, a very irritated look came over her face. "Why do you keep saying 'her'? Weren't you listening? I'm a him! A hi-"

"I have a few ideas up my sleeve...," Draco replied with a sinister grin.

-:-

"My name is Draco Malfoy, and I am now a sad, tormented soul for the fact that my father had raped and beaten me, and the only way to free me from myself in my darkest hour is for a sexy girl (preferably Granger) have steamy, hot sex with me. If you are looking for a good time, you know where to find me." Blasie read the button pinned to Draco's shirt, and raised an eyebrow. "Interesting."

"Sorry, Blaise, but you're not my type," Draco explained, taking a sip of pumpkin juice.

"What?"

"I know you must be _really_ interested in the role of being my sex buddy, but you're just a good friend to me. I mean, I think you're a really pretty girl and all, but let's just keep it at a platonic relationship, shall we?"

Blaise right eye began to twitch. "How many times do I have to say it, I AM NOT A GIRL!"

"Wow, you're taking this better then I expected."

"But I don't-"

"Blaise, please. Calm down. It's for the better... I want to end this conversation now before you are hurt anymore. Just remember that I will always love you... but I don't want to join in on a bunch of kinky situations with you. I'm sorry."

"What are you-"

"Maybe someday you'll find a guy who loves and cares for. You deserve it."

"I'm not gay!"

"Of course you're not gay, Blaise! If you were, you'd be into girls."

Blaise left eye soon began to twitch... Maybe Blaise should get that checked out, don't cha think? Twitching is never a good sign. "I am going to strangle-"

"Boy, this chapter has been going on for a while now. Don't you think it should end by now?"

"No! This chapter isn't ending until everybody gets the picture that I am a b-"

-:-

**_A/N: _**There. It's been like **a bagillion years**, but I finally updated this _story_. Yes, this chapter **sucked**, I _know_, but I tried. My mind has been **a complete blank** for the past few months, so it was **hard** to write this chapter. _Now_ that I've written it, though, chapter five will be **much easier** to write, and will come out **much sooner** then this chapter. I _also _hope that it's much **funnier **then this **piece of crap**. I'm _really sorry_ to all my readers that it took me _so_ long, but I hope you _liked it_ (?). I'm also thinking of writing **a new story** (_not_ a parody), so check out for that, _por favor_? Oh, I'd also just like to give a **shout out **to my _favorite_ **review**. That _'what the hell?' _really brightened my day. **Hope** you keep _reading _and _reviewing_ my story!

**_A/N 2:_** I am **readding **this chapter... 1 review _isn't_ good enough **for me**. I do _thank_ her though. So this (newly added) chapter is **_DEDICATED_ **to _holly bergman_. **Thanks **_so much_!

**The picture **some of you _might_ have missed **last **chapter: _i49 .photobucket .com/albums/f255/unicornmagick/Yo .jpg _Just get **rid** of** the spaces**. It's titled _Life Without Hermione..._ It's in the **paragraph** when she says a _whole summer had just went by in **one** chapter_, and when I'm talking about what _life_ would be like **without Hermione**,so... yea.


	5. Old Faces, New Personalities, and Suite

**Disclaimer: **No.

-:-

_Chapter V: Old Faces, New Personalities, and the Suite_

-:-

The students all happily sat in the Great Hall, gnawing and chewing on the food like wild beasts. It had been a little under a year since they had first entered the Great Hall, and after all that time of doing nothing but eating, they were all quite obese. Except for Hermione, of courpse, because eating wasn't really a hobby of her's. But after some exercise, veggies, and good ol' liposuction, everybody was back to the way they were... except for maybe their now strange eating habits, but that doesn't really matter. All and all, all was normal in the world. Hermione was checking out herself in the mirror, Harry was being brave and heroic, and Ron was... writing? Well, that's not normal.

"Say Hermione," Ron said, turning to the stunning girl's back. Hermione spit out her gum on to the floor. A large number of people dived for it, creating a giant pile in the middle of the Great Hall that nobody paid any mind to. Yes, it is quite random. But Hermione couldn't turn around in a 'slow' and 'sexy' way with a large wad of gum in her mouth, now could she? "I need to ask you a question."

"Yes, _Ronald_?" Hermione answered seductively, batting her eyes in a very flirtatious way. Now you're probably wondering why Hermione is acting this way around the red-head when this is obviously a Dramione story, but seeing as how the author is a major Romione shipper, she felt like we needed a little somethin'-somethin'. However, for all you anti-Romione people - May the sun crash down upon you! - Ron was completely oblivious to her actions, because, for this section of the story, the Ron we know and love had to be replaced by the gay-Ron that many of you can find in the usual Hon story, as well as the occasional Rofoy fic, since the real Ron is not here at the moment. Yes, yes, I know. Tragic. Just bear with me, and try not to cringe _too_ much. I know _I_ won't be, though. Wink, wink.

"What do you like better: '_Good luck with being a single mother (you're gonna need it)_', or '_Congratulations on ruining your life_'?" he questioned, reading from his paper.

Hermione's eyes narrowed. "Ron, what are you-"

"'_Hermione: You're a total whore, but we still love you_'? Good idea!" he squealed with delight - yuck - and quickly began to jot it down. "This baby shower is going to rock." Hermione's nostrils flared.

"How many times do I have to tell you? I. Am. Not-"

"Oh no! Victor isn't beating you, is he?" Ron cried, placing Hermione's delicate hands in his own. His eyes began to glaze over, and tears rolled down his cheeks. Since this is the gay-Ron, he's very much more in-touch with his feminine side, and can relate to women more. Disgusting, I know.

"What? N-"

"So, do you know if it's a boy or girl yet so we can pick out a color scheme?" Ron asked, returning back to his work. Okay, maybe not _that_ in-touch. He mentally slapped himself. "Ow...! Good golly gee, what am I thinking? Of course not! We'll just go with yellow. I sure am a silly goose." He shook his head, giggling insanely, and scribbled more down. Hermione, looking crazed, yet still very foxy - what? - snatched the nearest fork, and, holding it over Ron's head, plunged-

Well, nothing interesting here. Nope, not in the least. Shall we go see what our Slytherin pals are up to? La dee da.

"So I was just sitting there, and the dog was humping my leg like crazy," Blaise was telling a very creeped-out Malfoy. "I tried to shake it off, but-"

"Wtf? _Why_ are you telling me this?" Draco cried, his mouth curled in detest. He felt disgusted and... slightly aroused. He wouldn't be a true emo-Draco if he wasn't turned on by very nasty and disturbing things, now would he?

"You asked about my summer," Blaise responded, shrugging it's shoulders. Now if you're wondering why Blaise is being referred to as an 'it', it is because during the long, _long _break this story went through - er, my bad - the author and Blaise came to a mutual agreement, and that Blaise should take a gender test to prove his real sex. Until that time, he will be known as an 'it'. The results should be in a couple chapters from now.

"Yeah, but... geez," Draco said, shaking his head. Just then, a very ugly girl with pug-like features bounced over, and jumped in to Malfoy's lap. It should also be noted that she was the only girl who ever seemed to show any interest in Draco in the books, so it's a little weird that he is considered the 'Slytherin Sex God' to most when the only girl he can seem to get looks like a dog. She was also really chubby, and Draco felt like his legs were about to snap. 'Yes, yes! More! I like the pain!' Oh... kay then?

"Hello, Drakie-poo," Pansy Parkison said shrilly, using her 'clever' nick-name for him. She ran her hands through his soft locks. "Did you miss me over the summer?"

Malfoy would usually like the attention, but seeing as how he is suppose to randomly hate Pansy with every ounce of his body, he pushed her off him, and hissed, "Pansy, I hate you! Leave me alone! I know I have never showed any signs of hating you before, but this is a Dramione story, and you suck!" Pansy smiled.

"Hehe, you're so funny," she laughed. Pansy never does seem to get the picture that Malfoy doesn't want anything to do with her, and this is no exception. "I'll see you later!" And she skipped out of the Great Hall. And Malfoy sighed with relief. And Blaise looked under it's shirt. "Hm... I don't have any breasts, but I could still be an A-cup... maybe I am-" The author waited on the edge of her seat; here we go! Blaise looked up, and growled. "No way! I will not give you the satisfaction of the doubt!" Drat.

"What are you talking about?" Draco asked.

"Breasts," Blaise responded simply.

"Oh."

Well, everything important here has been covered... sort of... How about we go see what those witty Ravenclaws are up to? Authors like to throw in random tidbits of Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff to show that they are just as important as Gryffindor and Slytherin. They usually do this by making them some random student saying a forgetful one-liner, or a group walking by. It never works, though. I mean, does any one actually care about these houses?

"I'm so smart," one Ravenclaw said.

"Me too," another added.

"Everybody thinks Slytherins are the mean ones, but we're the _real_ jerks," Cho said. She was then eaten by a tiger, because I HATE HER...! Cough...

"I'm very weird, and many people like me because I march to the beat of my own drum. I believe and see things other people don't, but that's only because I consume large amounts of LSD each morning," Luna sighed, that dazed look in her eyes.

Um... Hufflepuff anyone?

"Okay, what the hell are our traits?" a Hufflepuff cried. "I don't even get why I'm in this house."

"Aren't we cunning?" wondered one of the two boys at the table (who was most likely a flaming homosexual).

"No, that's Slytherin," Hannah told him. "We're loyal."

"Isn't that Gryffindor?" questioned some girl.

"They're brave," Hannah told her.

"Yeah, brave _and _loyal."

"We're cunning!" cried the boy again.

"Shut up!"

"Well I'm dead sexy," Cedric told them (no pun intended). "Maybe we're here because of our looks." His blond locks blew majestically in some unknown wind that only he could feel. The other Hufflepuffs stared at him as if they had just seen a ghost (pun intended), their dull, dull hair laying flat. "What?"

"Nothing. It's just that you're... _dead_." Dun, dun, dun.

"Were you not paying attention before? This is an AU - dead people can come back to life," said Cedric. "And since I was the only Hufflepuff that actually amounted to anything in the series, besides Hannah who married Neville and became a cleaning lady-"

"Thank you."

"-the author decided to bring me back for this story. That also means that: Dumbledore, Lily, James, Sirius, Lupin, Tonks, Peter, Snape, Dobby, Colin, Crabbe, Nagini, Hedwig, Bellatrix, Moody, Voldemort, Fred, Aragog, the Basilisk, Scrimgeour, and George's ear are all alive too, as well as anybody who was missed. Now half of those people- er... 'things' will probably never be mentioned again after this paragraph, but doesn't it make you feel better knowing they're alive? Praise the power of fanfiction!"

"Praise fanfiction!" the rest of the hall chorused, raising their hands in rejoice.

"Look, I don't care!" hissed the Hufflepuff who had spoken first. "I just want to know what our traits our!"

Oh my God! You guys are loyal - "I told you!" - tolerant, and support fair-play. Now be quiet! This is probably the only time you will ever be mentioned in this story, and you should talk about something interesting and exciting that will leave an everlasting impression on the readers.

The Hufflepuffs gave eachother puzzled looks, obviously having nothing 'interesting or 'exciting' to say. Finally, a tiny little first year with blue hair and an abnormally long tongue mumbled, "I have seven fingers, and webbed feet." Okay, that works... Anywho...

Back at the Gryffindors' table!

"What the bloody hell is that?" Ron asked, pointing towards the dead gay-Ron on the floor, a fork sticking out of his head. "I'm gone for five minutes because some lunatic knocked me out in some deserted hallway, and this is what I find when I come back? Who let that thing out? I thought I locked him up good this time."

"Sorry, Ron. The author wanted him in the story for some reason," Harry explained. Now Harry should shut up if he doesn't want to suffer the same fate as Draco - I think Vernon Bear is still around here somewhere.

"He's dead now anyway," Hermione pointed out, applying some lip gloss to her plump lips.

"It doesn't matter!" Ron cried, plopping down in a seat, and placing his hands over his face. "He always comes back to life sooner or later! Prancing around here, pretending to be me. He's nothing but an imposter, created by the mind of those mental we-love-Ron-when-he's-in-to-butt-sex fangirls! How I hate them... Me? Gay? I'm the most straightest character in the whole damn series! Why is he in this fic?" Uh... no reason... Please, pay no mind to the giant poster of Ron and Harry kissing, thanks.

"Oh, stop your whining," Hermione grumbled, taking out her awesome iPod. She started playing some hardcore music, like Fall Out Boy and Panic! At the Disco. Neville stared at it was curiosity, having no idea what it was because he was stupid-Neville at this moment - not badass-Neville from book seven.

"What is that?" he asked. Hermione shot him a glare, randomly deciding to be a bitch to him, since Neville is usually treated like crap.

"You are, like, such a moron," Hermione said, rolling her eyes, and suddenly having a valley girl accent to complete the illusion of bitchy-ness. "It's an iPod. Anybody whose cool or kickass knows what an iPod is. But of course you will, like, never be cool or do anything kickass, like cut the head off of Voldemort's snake, thus resulting in the last horcrux being destroyed besides, like, Voldemort himself. You are such a loser." Neville hung his head in shame, because he knew it was true.

"You know what really annoys me?" Harry spoke up. No, Harry, please tell us... We are _dying _to know what could possibly annoy _you_... "The reviewers who complain about those iPods! They go on and on about how iPods would never work on the Hogwarts grounds since it's an electronic, thinking they're _so_ smart, but nobody ever comments on the fact that if we're in our seventh year, then that means the year is 1997, and iPods weren't even invented then. Not to mention that half the music the characters are suppose to be listening to aren't even from this era."

Cricket... cricket...

"Chip, chip. Cheerio."

"Nice weather we're having, eh?"

Fred and George had just Apparated right behind Harry, nobody commenting on the fact that they can't do that, not even Hermione, who has now finally grown to the full potential of a HOAR, even though that seemed to have happened a few chapters ago... Whatever. They were both very much alive and healthy, with all their body parts intake. They also had very thick, stereotypical English accents for some reason...

"Harry ol' bean, how are ya?"

"What the hell did you just call-"

"Smashing!"

Ron stared at his brothers with shock. "Why didn't you ask how I-"

"So Harry," said one of the twins that we can assume is Fred because he _always_ talks, "we just wanted to tell you-"

"-that..."

Fred stopped, staring at George with an agitated expression. "That's all you're going to say?"

"Well, I thought you were going to tell him, chap."

"No, no. No 'chap'. I can't believe this! I do the talking all the time, and I'm sick of it! You're such a prat, git, and twit!" Fred screamed, using the three most overused insults, since that's obviously the only ones they have.

"I thought you liked to talk-"

"Like? You think I like to have sore throats and herpes? Having to go to bed in throbbing pain, and then waking up and doing it all over again the next day. You think I _like _that?"

"Alright, alright, sorry," said George quickly, holding up his hands in defense. "I'll talk more, I swear."

"Thank you." Fred cleared his throat. Amazing. "Ahem, anyway, Harry, we just wanted to tell you-"

"-that there..."

Fred turned away. He briskly walked out of the Great Hall, George following at his heels and calling for him to stop. The other Gryffindors just sat there, nobody sure if that just really happened. Harry was also very confused as to what exactly they were trying to tell him. He was also confused as to why they were even there, seeing as how it was his seventh year, and they wouldn't be there anymore. Now the author is confused at how Harry suddenly became so wise when it came to the timeline. Anywho...

"Hey guys," Ginny sighed, sitting down between Harry and Neville. (OMGz!1! wat A ho!) "I'm sad."

"Why are you sad, Ginny?" the rest of the Gryffindors said in unison.

"I just can't stand these stories!" she cried. "I'm either the giddy best friend that comes up with lame plans to get Hermione together with Malfoy, and seem to have no problem with the fact that she likes him, even though he's an arse that calls my family poor all the time, or else I'm ignored completely. And on top of all that, I'm one of the most hated characters around, and everybody thinks I'm a Mary-Sue and the girl version of Harry! Why do they say such things about me? Just because I'm pretty, popular, powerful, smart, nice, speak my mind, a good athlete, and every boy wants me does _not_ make me perfect! I mean, I got 99.5 out of 100 on my last test; now does that sound like someone who is perfect?"

Nobody said anything, and only looked at eachother uncomfortably. Last time someone had called Ginny a Mary-Sue whore, they had been found in a broom closet, tied up, half their hair shaved off, their wand broken, and their left foot missing. Now what actually happened to that foot is unknown, and the only people who do know were Ginny and one-foot Lainy, but both refused to talk about it. Ever since then, nobody dared to call Ginny a Mary-Sue whore... well, atleast not to her face anyway.

Unfortunately, for poor little Edgar E. Zoo, he did not know of this, and whispered, "That sounds pretty perfect to me."

Well, to keep this story at a T rating, we will spare you the gruesome details, but lets just say if the feast didn't fill Ginny up, she was certainly full now. Not that anyone cared, really - he was pretty nasty.

Anyway, it seems every important student has been addressed, so I guess we can-

Just then, the doors to the Great Hall burst open, and a drenched Dean staggered in. He was covered in weeds, and was wearing what looked like a crown made out of coral. He looked royally pissed off, but who wouldn't be after what he had to go through? Oh, do you even remember? I guess we could do a flashback, but I really don't feel like copy and-

"Almost an entire year," he screamed, "I was stuck down there!" Hey, this works. "Nobody cared to go and rescue me, huh? Nobody? You all saw me get taken away by the giant squid, yet you were too busy to come and get me? Might interfere with your plans? I mean, I thought even Harry Potter and his stupid side-kicks would come and get me so they can get more stupid compliments from Dumbledore that they don't even bloody well need!"

Dumbledore shrugged. "I can't help it if they're dope."

With a huff of annoyance, Dean sat down, and began to ring out his shirt and pull off the weeds that clung to him. Ron turned to him, mildly surprised at his presence. "Say Dean, when did you get here?" The rest of the Great Hall seemed to be wondering the same thing, as they were all staring at him, blank faced. Dean let out a groan, and placed his head on to the table, cursing under his breath... But really, when did he get here?

Now that all the important students have been addressed... is that everyone? Okay, good. Anyway, now that that's over, guess it's time to move on to the best part of these Head boy and girl cliché stories, but in order for us to do that, we need McGonagall to randomly- alright, good. Here she comes. Excellent.

"Miss Granger, it's time to go," McGonagall told the Gryffindor princess (a title for her that has just been invented recently), Draco following at the Professor's heels. It should also be noted that his hair was now pitch black - much more depressing and angst then blond.

"Go where?"

"To your... suite!" A boom of lightning struck in the background, hitting poor Colin as he tried to spray paint 'Sexy Animal' on the wall. Hermione gulped, but got up anyway. Sadly, she began to wobble because of her boots that she had forgotten about, and soon fell right on top of Seamus, who just so happened to be walking by.

"Say, is that a wand in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?" Hermione purred seductively.

"My wand," Seamus said, pulling it out of his pocket, and showing it to her.

"Oh," she grumbled, getting to her feet, and holding on to the table for support.

"Psst," Ginny... pssted. "Hermione, here, take these flats. They're easier to walk in, and are still completely bomb." Ginny handed Hermione the sparkling black shoes, accepting her role as the lousy best friend with grace, even though she just... ate some eleven-year-old over it a couple lines ago...

"Thanks Ginny," Hermione said. All of Hermione's hatred and envy towards the red-haired girl have been forgotten at this point, because the author doesn't feel like including a 'well-thought-out' subplot like that, because she just doesn't have enough brains to include it, not to mention it is too complicated. She is also too lazy to edit chapter two, and if that bothers you, then I guess you're screwed. But now we're getting side-tracked again, and it hasn't even been mentioned yet that McGonagall, Hermione and Draco were walking through the corridors at this point. Well, they were, but I guess you know that now.

Anyway, they walked for a good ten minutes, finding themselves in dead ends quite a few time. Walls seemed to pop up in places they weren't before, because the magical school was an asshole, and it got it's kicks by watching others get lost. Draco and Hermione walked side-by-side, the aroma of honey, leaves, water and butter radiating off Hermione - all the things Malfoy remembered he was sexually attracted to. A few times he tried to catch Hermione's hand in his own, but he realized that it was a bit too early to do that, even for this story. So instead he watched her beauty from afar. Hermione knew he was watching her because she had a sixth sense like that, but said nothing - she liked the attention.

'Wait, did I just say I liked Malfoy watching me? No, I like the attention. But it is Malfoy giving me the- no, I don't like him. Wait, do I like him-'

Alright, what did I say two chapters ago?

"Alright, we're here; your secret suite that no one could ever find," McGonagall finally announced, stopping in front of a picture with a large, snowy meadow, with a giant, neon sign hanging over it that read '_Head Suite_'. A little, pale, albino, sickly looking girl with long white hair, a white dress, and a basket filled with white roses was skipping around the meadow, humming. She stopped when she saw them.

"Hello-o," she said in a sweet, sing-song voice. She turned to Draco with a wide smile. "I love you, and if you don't love me back, I'll stalk you forever until you do."

"Um..."

Hermione quickly became jealous, for she was in love with Malfoy, but nobody knew this, not even Hermione.

"Now you guys must choose a password," McGonagall explained. "The school is the one that is suppose to give out passwords, but we were feeling lazy and have decided that this year everybody can just come up with their own." She then stepped back in to a dark corner to be ignored, and give Hermione and Malfoy the floor.

"So what should our password be?" Hermione asked Malfoy, no ideas coming to mind... naturally.

"'Sinister hole in my soul'?"

"No."

"Shards of my everlasting depression scraping against my flesh'?"

"Nah."

"'Blade that cuts against my pale skin, allowing me to actually feel for once'?"

"No, no, no."

"How about... 'blood'?"

"Oh, come on, I would never remember that-"

"For the love of God!" cried the albino girl, her face screwed up in an irritated scowl. "You two are both idiots, and are completely wasting my time! Why they would choose two morons to be the Heads is beyond me, so I guess it's up to me to choose an 'original' and 'creative' password! Your password is... 'Sugar Quill' - that hasn't been overused or isn't uncreative in the least. Now just shut up!" The painting swung open, followed by the little girl stalking out of her area, and taking a seat at the painting of a bar next to her's. "Martini, on the rocks. God, they don't pay me enough for this job..."

Draco and Hermione stood there, shocked and insulted. Sure, it wasn't the first time they have heard such words, let alone will it be the last, but the fact that a painting was cussing them out was a real surprise. But all of this vanished when their eyes fell on the beautiful oak door in front of them, embedded with crystals and jewels, and lovely vines bordering the edges. Hermione gasped at it's beauty, and Malfoy poked at a red stone, seeing how pointy it was.

The door magically opened before them - this _is_ a magic school after all. Draco and Hermione stepping back in amazement, and a golden light began to illuminate from the room, neither able to see beyond it. Sparkles and butterflies fluttered out from it, and they could hear a soft harp playing in the distance. The group ventured through the door, the two teenagers prepared to see the most gorgeous room they had ever seen.

"This is...," Hermione began with a dreamy expression, which was quickly replaced with disgust, "ew!"

Not a very wide range of vocabulary, but 'ew' pretty much sums it up perfectly. Right when they entered, the harp stopped playing, and they were greeted by a very ugly sight. The room was very dirty and cluttered, with cracked walls, cobwebs and dust. The smell of skunk and garbage filled the air, and the couch where many 'original' Dramione moments were said to happen was a puke green color, lumpy looking, and had a few springs popping out. All and all, not very cliché in the least... Hm... is there a law against misleading?

"This is not a suite," Hermione said wisely, thinking that pointing out the obvious makes her smart. Poor girl.

"I like it," Draco sighed. "It's so dark, grey, and gross... like my beating heart that should just stop-"

"OMG, shut up!" Hermione shrieked, not in her 'oh-I-feel-so-sorry-for-you-Draco-let-me-hold-you' mood. "McGonagall, this is ridiculous, and not cliché in the least! Where is the red, gold, silver and green wallpaper? Where's the polished floors, and home appliances? And most importantly, where's Waldo?"

"Fifty points for such a pathetic joke!" McGonagall cried. "This author sure is losing her touch." Bite me. "And do you even know how much that stuff costs? We can't afford that! We can't even afford pencils, let alone a fridge. Besides, you still have everything you need: the couch; the two bedrooms; the bathroom connecting the bedrooms where you and Mister Malfoy will walk in at humorous and inappropriate times, like when one of you is changing or stepping in to the shower, which somehow plays an important part in you two falling madly and truly in love. Now it's kind of weird that we would allow a teenage boy and girl to share a private bathroom and suite, but we usually just look past this, as should you. Plain and simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good.

"Now I must be off; I have very important business to attend to that will not be mentioned because the author isn't brilliant enough to come up with something." Who says we kill McGonagall? Anyone? Anyone...?

And so she left, leaving Draco and Hermione to stand in the middle of the hazardous room, awkward silence forming between them. Malfoy kept sneaking quick glances at Hermione, admiring her (yup, you guessed it) _curves in all the right places_. Then, suddenly coming to his senses and remembering what usually happens next, he yelled, "You're such a stupid Mudblood! I can't believe I'm stuck with you for the entire year!"

"And you're a conceited git!" she retorted. "Now I'm surprised I know what 'conceited' means, and actually used it in the right context...!"

"Alright, that pretty much covers our random, petty fight that we do when we first enter the suite. Now what?"

"I guess this is the part where we make a truce," Hermione answered. She turned to him with a slight frown. "Malfoy, can you do me a favor this year?"

"What, Granger?"

"Can you promise me that we can just be friendly to eachother since we have to share a room together, taking away all the drama and fun out of our ship that makes it so enjoyable to begin with?"

"Only if you promise me that we will forget about this whole truce in public, and only actually go along with it when we are alone, thus creating a giant web of lies that will end up biting us in the ass in the end," Draco replied.

"Deal," Hermione agreed. They shook hands. Malfoy began to imagine Hermione's velvet hands holding his neck, and her nails scraping against his back, while Hermione began to picture Malfoy's hands giving her fifty dollars, her hands slapping his for such a lame gift, and his then handing her a hundred. This would usually take up about half the page with both of them yelling at themselves for thinking such things, but this author cares about the boredom of her readers, and doesn't want to put them through such torture.

"Well, I'm going to bed," Hermione said.

"It's only 6:30," Draco commented.

"Do not question me!" Hermione barked viciously. She began to make her way to her bedroom, but, 'sadly', a giant piece of the ceiling accidentally came crashing down on her, knocking her out. Draco didn't seem to realize that she was injured, and instead began to admire her smooth legs. He also began to think up new and interesting ways to kill himself.

"Well, nothing is going to help me in here," Draco sighed, ignoring the large butcher knife on the table, and walking right past the green acid spill. He also didn't seem to realize the giant blow torch on the wall, or the little vile of purple liquid that read '_If you drink this, you will die! One drop, that's all it takes! Drink me if you wish to die! Seriously, I will kill you!_'. He turned towards the unconscious girl on the ground to give her one final, longing look, and lovingly said, "Goodnight, my swe-"

End of chapter five!

"What the hell? I don't even get to say goodni-"

-:-

**A/N: Sorry**, _sorry_, SORRY for the _long _wait this story has gone through, and how **sucky** this chapter was. **Trust me**, the next chapter will be up _much sooner _and _better_. I am already _halfway_ through the chapter, so **don't worry**. The next chapter will be called _Chapter VI: A One-Shot Interlude_. Please, _review_, and **thank you** to those who have - you ROCK! Also, I am **re-reposting **_this __**chapter**__ - Fanfiction _was being a total **douche**, and had my story on the list _all funny _the first time, and the **second time **because it didn't get _enough __**attention**_. **Sorry** to those who have me on their _**alert **__list_- it must be **quite **ANNOYING to get _three _alrets for the **same **chapter. :)


	6. A Oneshot Interlude

**Disclaimer: **If I had the rights to Harry... I'd be rich!

-:-

_Chapter VI: A One-Shot Interlude_

-:-

Despite the fact that the story had left off with it being the first day, snow was now softly falling from the heavens, and landing softly on the ground to create soft, white blankets all around the area to make it look softer. The lake was frozen over, and the sun was creating a soft glow on the icy waters. A soft breeze danced softly through the sky. Everything was just so... _soft_. So in the words of anyone who has actually read something like this before (which is probably everyone): how cliché... and soft.

Hermione Granger sat by the side of the lake, completely ignoring the fact that it was freezing out, and sitting outside in the middle of winter isn't the smartest of ideas. Then again, it was Christmas, and Hermione loved to be by herself by the lake during that time of the year... y'know, instead of being around friends and family. It's a little strange that she's not at the Burrow, but Ron was being a douchebag, and decided not to invite her. Why didn't Ginny invite her? The author has no answer. It's also strange that she didn't go home to see her family, but when does Hermione ever do that? But the strangest thing of all was...

"Hey, what the hell? I'm not hot anymore!" Hermione cried, looking down at her plain appearance. How right you are - HOAR-Mione is rarely found in one-shots, considering that her hotness can not be explained in just one chapter alone (even though most are abandoned one chapter in... how 'terrible'...). It should also be noted that Hermione is quite brilliant once more, and is able to think again (except for maybe the 'sitting outside in zero degree weather' - not one of her brightest moments, but we can let it slide... this time). Now all you 'we-love-Hermione-when-she-is-a-know-it-all-in-character-bookworm' fans are probably all jumping for joy. It kind of makes me sad to know that all your hopes and dreams will probably be crushed by the end of this... (Keyword(s): _kind of_.)

"Yeah, and I'm not depressed!" Malfoy added, randomly jumping out of a tree. Whoa, he sure does like to pop up at random times... And he just so happens to be in the same place Hermione is at this very moment in time... Odd... "Actually... I feel sort of... normal... Is it possible? Do I actually have control of my life again?" Tears of happiness began to build-up in his eyes. Sigh. It makes me a little sad that I have to tell him that, no, he doesn't have control. (Keyword(s): _a little_.) But actually, alot of one-shots _are_ in-character (at first) - they're just so horribly rushed and unrealistic that they are considered cliché in my eyes. Honestly, do you really think Hermione and Malfoy would be able to fall in love in one chapter? Well, there are those ridiculous ones that spawn out through years...

"Malfoy!" Hermione cried, glaring at him as he approached.

"Well, well, well, what a surprise," he said with a sneer, using his ever-so-clever 'well, well, well' line once again. He's so imaginative. "Granger."

"Why do you always have to suddenly be where I am, and talk to me? Don't you have a life?"

"No... Anyway, what are you doing here? Not that I really care, but we need to keep this moving, and that is just something I must know everytime we have one of these 'coincidental' encounters."

"What the hell does it look like I'm doing? I'm just sitting here."

"I meant what are you doing here on Christmas...? What the hell? I thought you were suppose to be smart again."

"Oh," she mumbled, turning away from him. Her shoulders suddenly began to shake, and Malfoy could hear her silently sobbing - he must have some awesome ears! His icy heart immediately melted at the sight, even though... he has seen her cry a bunch of others times, and didn't give a flying fuck about it then. But today was different! Today was Christmas!

"What's the matter, Her- Granger?" Malfoy asked, plopping down beside her. He was a little scared at the fact that he almost called her 'Hermione'. No, no. He must not do that. Calling her by her real name - even though 'Granger' is apart of her real name - would totally destroy the whole Slytherin-Gryffindor-last-name-bases code. Not to mention bring to light the... horrible truth. A truth so horrible, _so_ terrible, _so_ horrendous... that the author doesn't even know what she's talking about. But now we're getting off track, and need to keep going to get to the fluff that is usually reserved for those 'very original' Romione one-shots where they're sitting in the common room, doing homework, and Ron randomly decides to confess his love to her... THOSE SUCK SO MUCH...! Um... puffy fluffy!

Hermione would usually tell Malfoy to get lost, but this time it was different - it was Christmas! - and Hermione sort of liked his company. She felt warm and comfortable around him, and decided to spill her heart and soul out to him about problems she hadn't even told the people she had known for six years.

"Oh Malfoy, I'm so sad," she began with a sniff. "I didn't get invited anywhere for Christmas, and- wait... didn't it just say I liked to be alone on Christmas?" Times have changed! Just roll with it! "Oh, alright! Ahem, anyway... I didn't get invited anywhere, and now I'm stuck here. Ron didn't want to invite me because he's a jerky ginger, and my mum and dad have gone to visit relatives in America. Now it's kind of weird that they wouldn't invite me seeing as how I'm their only child, and it's my family too, but is there ever a legit explanation as to why I never go home for the holidays? Not even Victor invited me anywhere because he was falsly informed that I was pregnant, and now he wants nothing to do with me! He also said something about 'Ron' and 'death threats' and 'to get help', but I know it's just because he thinks I'm gross..."

Malfoy wasn't sure if it was the cold that made him think it, or the five bottles of Butterbeer he drank right before going out there - since Butterbeer is obviously an alcoholic beverage that the Wizarding World feel is okay to sell to minors - but he couldn't help but think how beautiful she looked at that moment. Even though her nose was running, her face was flushed, and her hair had seen better days, Malfoy thought she was gorgeous. Now the author is even starting to think that this is cute, and better quickly have Hermione cover her face with her palms before she goes 'aww' again... So Hermione did just that.

"I'm sorry to hear that, Gra..." Malfoy hesitated - the moment of truce had arrived. Screw the code! He could fight it no longer! Weakling. "..._Hermione_."

Hermione looked up from her hands, startled. However, a small smile soon began to spread across her lips. "Oh Draco, you said my first name - that automatically means you have deep, loving feelings for me! Now I've said your first name, so that means I love you back! And that means we're in love with each other! Oh Draco, hold me..."

Hermione practically threw herself at him. Everything had happened so fast - a little _too _fast, to be honest - that Draco was mildly surprised at her clinging to him for dear life. His stiff physique disappeared, though, when he got a whiff of her bushy-brown hair that smelled like books, even though books don't smell all that great... Her brown-eyes that reminded him of chocolate, honey, dirt, cardboard, wood, leave-less trees, the tan skin he longed for so he didn't look like an albino, and anything else that is brown gazed up in to his icy blue-orbs (i no thy r gray but blue is sexy-er). They instantly felt connected to each other.

"Hermione, I... I love you. It only took me one-third of a chapter to realize it, but I know it is true."

"I love you too, Draco!" she squealed. "Even though you have spent the first six years at Hogwarts calling me a 'mudblood' and tormenting me and my friends, I knew it was just because you were brainwashed by your mean, mean dad to think such things!"

"Yes, and even though I have actually said such horrible things, even going so far as to wishing you were killed by the heir of Slytherin in our second year, it was just a way to cover up my true feelings for you!"

"I'm just going to ignore what you said then, and only actually get mad at the fact that Harry and Ron didn't tell me you said that when they were impersonating Crabbe and Goyle that one time, for one hour. Now how I know you said that when they were in disguise just shows how smart I am, and the fact that you're the one who told me this shows me who the real honest and good people are in my life, who only want what is best for me. I would also like to take the time to apologize for slapping you that one time during our third year, but it was only an act to fool my so-called friends. Furthermore, I... Draco?"

Hermione looked at him with creased eyebrows. He was now fast asleep, lightly snoring, and a trail of drool hanging from his chin; looks like Hermione still hasn't lost her trait of talking too much, and putting people to sleep with boredom. Feeling extremely annoyed, Hermione shoved him roughly and he awoke with a start, mumbling something about 'ponies' and 'UFOs'.

"Listen to me when I am talking to you!" Hermione growled.

"Er, sorry..."

"As you should be..." There was an awkward pause. "Now what?"

"I think we're suppose to kiss."

"Um... alright... what do we do first?"

"I think I sort of just..."

"No, wait. That doesn't seem-"

"Yeah, yeah! I just sort of-"

"Ow! You're hurting me!"

"Oops, sorry!"

Both Hermione and Draco stopped moving to see what they had accomplished... er, hadn't accomplished. Draco was tugging at Hermione's hair, his other hand roaming underneath her shirt. Hermione had both her hands on Draco's chest, and was pushing him away, her teeth gritted together. They also seemed to be wearing the other person's clothes... Draco looked down at the skirt around his waist. "Now how did we manage that one?"

Hermione wiggled her way away from Draco, and stood up, his clothes hanging loosely off her. "This isn't working!" she cried in despair. "Honestly, I thought you were the Slytherin Sex God, and yet you don't even know how to kiss?"

"I don't even know which bloody fanfiction author started that crap!" Draco retorted, getting up, and placing his hands on his hips in a very feminine fashion; Hermione's clothes clung to his body rather tightly, but he didn't seem to mind... um... "I have never had sex, let alone kissed anyone! I mean, I did kiss Pansy once, but I try to suppress it because it was just so unpleasant. What's your excuse, bitch?"

"If you must know, I have never kissed anyone either! Well... I did kiss this random OC once, but I try to forget about it because he ra- oh wait." She blushed. "That's for later." There was another moment of silence. "Well what are we suppose to do? It isn't good enough without the sloppy, yet 'romantic', kiss we share."

"Look, we can just... improvise."

"How, exactly...?"

Draco thought for a second. "Um... er... uh... urgh... hmph..."

"You make weird noises when you think-"

"I got it! How about we just take a flashback of you kissing that guy, and me kissing Pansy, and we can morph them together, and change the background, and, and-"

"That will never work," Hermione grumbled, thinking 'oh-so-logically'. "We should just practice tonight, and come back here tomorrow, and-"

"No! It won't be the same... tomorrow is not Christmas..."

"Oh, you're right... want to just try it again?"

"Okay. But let's go slower this time."

So once again, they began to inch closer to eachother, going half the speed they went the first time. And yet, once again, they failed miserably at their goal. By the end of it, Draco was lying on his stomach on the ground, his arms and legs twisted in ways arms and legs shouldn't twist. Hermione was hanging in a tree by her collar, a large wad of bubble gum stuck in her hair. Draco looked up at her with a grimace, watching her struggle with the sticky mess. After a few minutes, she sighed dramatically, and pulled out a pair of scissors from her hair. Hermione saw Draco's shocked expression right away (since she gained back the 72 percent of noticing things in an instant). She gave him a funny look. "What?"

"You just pulled that out of your hair!"

"Yeah... so? My hair isn't big and bushy for no reason." Draco shook his head, and placed his face back in to the snow, too weak to ask questions. Hermione snipped the gum out of her hair, but failed to get all of it. It only took a few seconds, though, before the gum got absorbed in to her head, and the strands of hair it was once stuck too became bigger and bushier. Smiling with satisfaction, she stuck the scissors back in to her hair, and looked down at Draco. Snapping off a close-by branch, she began to poke him. "Hey! Get up! We still have to kiss!" He remained motionless. "Draco...? Hello...? Uh oh..."

-:-

"Thanks for saving us, Giant Squid," said Draco to the massive animal in front of him. "The author is too lazy to actually come up with a reason as to what you actually did, but all that matters is that it was implied, and me and Hermione are safe."

"No problem," the Giant Squid replied, it's large tentacles flailing around. "Now remember: bring me the _entire_ body."

"We will," Hermione and Draco said in unison. The Giant Squid patted them both on the head, and dove back in to the lake. Anywho, now that that random and completely unneeded scene is over, it's time to get back to the matter at hand. Oh joy...

"Okay," Hermione began with a deep breath. "Let's try-"

"No way! I'd rather marry Harry Potter then deal with that crap again!" That can be arranged. "We are doing my idea, and I don't care what you say!

"Fine!" Hermione screamed, throwing her hands in the air with defeat. Draco blinked with surprise.

"Really? Wow, that was easy..."

-:-

"My nose isn't that big," Hermione mumbled, pointing at the computer screen. "And there wasn't that much snow. You do know that you really suck at photo shop, right?"

Draco glared at her. They were sitting in the computer section of the library, Draco trying to make a decent picture of Hermione and him kissing. However, both of their flashbacks had been horrible, and the only decent shots of them was Draco looking completely disgusted and the back of Hermione's head, considering during the rest of the shots the random OC was practically eating her face. It's curious as to why she was complaining about her nose since here face could not be seen, but then again, Draco _really did _suck at photo shop. But now the author is confused, because she doesn't remember Hogwarts ever having a computer section.

"Because we don't," that Pince lady informed her. Huh... hm...

Hermione watched her newfound boyfriend, and felt completely turned on by how concentrated and dedicated he looked. Hell, she would have done him right then and there if it wasn't for the librarian watching them. 'What a pervert.' Suddenly, she decided to ask the question she had been wondering for the past four seconds. "Draco... I told you why I was here on Christmas... but why are you?"

Draco stopped, his face blank. "Is it ever explained why?"

"No..."

"Right... I have no idea."

"Draco... why were you hiding in a tree at the beginning of this chapter?"

"I was sort of just... there..." He began to dart his eyes around nervously; she was asking too many questions. Get it? Too? Two? Yeah, me neither...

"And why haven't you said anything about changing our clothes back?"

"Why haven't you?" he shot back at her, a bead of sweat dripping from his forehead.

"Touché," she replied. "But... you're the one in the skirt-"

"Just be quiet!" Draco hissed, obviously hiding something. "Sheesh, didn't it just say 'question' a few paragraphs ago? Yeah 'question'! 'Question' is not plural!"

"Fine, fine..." Hermione looked at her hands. "I mean, if you like wearing skirts, I won't judge you-"

"You like to push things, don't you?" Hermione nodded her head with enthusiasm. Draco became nervous, but was relieved to see he was done with the picture, and could change the subject. "How's that?" he questioned when he had finished, looking over his shoulder at the girl he loved with all heart, even though she was annoying him like crazy at the moment. How OoC of him...

Hermione scanned the picture. "It works. Nothing great, but passable." Draco clapped his hands with delight, and printed out the magical picture. She looked at him seriously. "You never answered-"

"Be quiet!"

"Shut your damn mouth!" Pince screamed from across the room.

_The Picture Scene._

Draco walked up to the back of Hermione's head - actually, he sort of jumped to her, because he didn't seem to know how to work his legs properly - a giant nose sticking out of her hair. His face looked like he was smelling something nasty, and the outline of both of their bodies was jagged and badly painted on to match the background, which was white with a bunch of black dots for snowflakes. There also seemed to be no ground. Sadly, the author can not paint because her mouse is terrible, so she can not give you a physical visual. But yeah... it was pretty bad.

Hermione heard him coming, and turned around. Where her face usually was, it was a round, completely black oval. She simply stood up, and hopped over to him in the same manner. They looked at eachother... I think... before both of their bodies tilted to the side, and their heads touched.

_End of Picture Scene._

Wow... that sucked! Hermione actually thought that was passable? W-T-F...? Whatever. We need to move on already... But still... my goodness...

-:-

The week passed, and it was complete bliss for the both of them, Hermione never learning what Draco was hiding... for now... Nobody else was at the castle because they all had lives, so they were free to openly express their love, and even got around to learning how to kiss. _Thank God_. However, just as quickly as it had started, it had ended, and the students came back from their break. Draco and Hermione had to resort to being sworn enemies once more (even though it's Draco and _Harry_ who are the sworn enemies, but whatever), because they were scared of what their peers would think, and they didn't want to be judged. Their relationship had to be private, and that meant ten minutes of steamy, hot snogging in random broom cupboards from time to time. Finally, Hermione got fed up with the secrets and lies.

"I am fed up with these secrets and lies!" she yelled one day, finishing two minutes before their ten minutes were up. Draco was very distressed by her abrupt stop, because he wanted to keep at it. Ho, ho, ho. Draco, you rascal, you. "I can't keep doing this! Draco... I think it's time we tell everyone that we're dating!"

"With you yelling like that, we won't have to," Draco hissed. "Now what are you talking about? Doesn't the danger of sneaking around, and the thrill of _almost_ getting caught turn you on?"

"No..."

"Oh... so it's just me?"

"Yes! Now if you don't do this for me, I'll tell everyone you had your way with me without my consent, and that you have a little package."

"What the fu-"

"Then it's settled - we'll announce it tomorrow morning!" Hermione said gleefully, skipping out of the closet. Draco shook his head, remaining in the closet... nothing was meant to be implied here!

"Damn, that girl is nuts..." He looked at his watch. "And we still have fifty-eight seconds left!"

-:-

So the next day, Hermione and Draco stood in the Entrance Hall, ready to tell the world of their relationship. Draco was extremely scared, but Hermione looked like she could touch the sky. Snatching his wrist, Hermione forcefully pulled him in to the Great Hall. All the students stopped eating and talking, and turned to them silently... which is a little too convenient, but whatever. Hermione grabbed Draco's hand and threw it in the air as if declaring him champion of something.

"DRACO MALFOY AND I ARE DATING!" she screamed with happiness. Even though it was pretty silent before, now it was so silent that you could hear a pin drop, which wasn't much of a difference. Satisfied, Hermione dragged Draco over to the Gryffindor table, and had him sit down with her, Harry, Ron and Ginny. He looked completely uncomfortable.

Once they had sat down, the Great Hall went back to it's usual... loudness, their announcement the new hot topic of discussion.

"So what?" Lavender grumbled.

"Yeah, seriously. They've already yelled that fifty times before in other pointless one-shots. I'm sick of hearing it," Parvati added, rolling her eyes.

"And do they have to do the whole 'walk in to the Great Hall, tell everyone the _big news_, and sit together at the same table' routine _every_ time?" Oliver mumbled, only in this story because he is one sexy man.

"Really now, I didn't make such a fuss when I confessed I was gay," Neville said. Everybody looked at him curiously.

"You're gay?"

"Um... Wow, Dramione sure is one hell of a ship, heh heh... heh..." And with that, Neville bolted out of the Great Hall, never to be heard from again.

"So what do you guys think of me dating Draco?" Hermione asked her BFFLs.

"I am okay with this," said Harry. He took a bite of toast, since that's all he ever eats for breakfast.

"As am I," Ginny agreed. She ate some cereal. Interesting.

"I am not, but I don't matter," Ron quickly added. His food, something that he would usually be shoving down his throat, somehow mutated in to a living creature, and ate him instead; it had grown tired of his careless eating, and bottomless-pit stomach. And the group continued to eat as if nothing happened, none of them even mildly surprised at Ron's return two days later.

-:-

"Hermione dear, I need to ask you a question," Draco cooed, after finishing yet another one of their infamous snogging sessions.

"Yes, Draco darling?" Hermione replied. Yuck... what is up with these pet names?

"We have been dating for a week and six days now, Love, and... well, I think it's time we took our relationship to the next level-"

Before he had time to finish, Hermione cut in with her two cents, because that's what she likes to do. "Oh, I was thinking the same thing!"

"Really? Sweet!"

"Yes... I want to marry you too!"

Draco stopped undoing his belt. "What? No, that's not what I-"

"We have so much to prepare! Oh, I must make a list! I want to get married tomorrow, even though we are still in school, and you aren't even an adult yet! Oh, I am _so _happy!" Hermione twirled out of the room, Draco still standing there with his hands on his pants, baffled.

-:-

So the next day, they said their vows in front of the castle, nobody fazed by the fact that... well, there were many facts to be fazed by, yet no one was. And on this day, Miss Hermione Granger became Mrs. Hermione Malfoy... but she wanted to keep her identity, so she then decided on Hermione Malfoy-Granger, but that sounded stupid. Thinking that the whole idea of _her _changing her name was sexist, she tried to get Draco to change his, but he refused, because he was the man. Finally, she settled with Hermione Bear, because everybody was getting the chance to have their last name changed to that, and she felt left out.

And everybody was happy... except for maybe you, because you just wasted several minutes of your life reading this crap. Congrats. :)

-:-

_Epilogue... yes, this one-shot has an epilogue! It isn't the only one, either..._

The year was 2004, seven years after they had wed, and Draco and Hermione were still happily married. Harry had gotten together with Ginny, and Ron went off to marry... some bug, or something. They had 47 kids (all sons), and lived at the Malfoy Manor. Hermione was pregnant with her fifth set of ten, and was bigger then a boat, but Draco still loved her. Harry and Ginny had 46 daughters to help balance out who got together with whom, and a boy so we can have some slash up in this joint. Ron and his 'wife' managed to have one kid after years of struggles and doubt, even though it's... quite impossible for a bug and a human to have a kid. But they did, and called him Dustin; he was the first ever 'hug'.

And Voldemort, Lucius, Draco's Muggle-born prejudices, and everything that would have gotten in the way of them having a happy ending never existed... the end... or is it...? Yeah, it is. Wow, this is going to be the first chapter without someone getting cut-

-:-

**a/n: **zomgzz, iz mah first storah! what did u think? LOLz.! Dram!one 4eva!1!

Next chapter: _Chapter VII: Mixing Liquids Requires Teamwork._


	7. Mixing Liquids Requires Teamwork

**Disclaimer: **This is getting a little repetitive... boing-yong-yong-yong-yong.

-:-

_Chapter VII: Mixing Liquids Requires Teamwork_

-:-

Completely ignoring the last chapter - yay! - we continue where we left off at chapter five, with an air-head Hermione, and a sorrow-filled Draco. Hermione, who was back to being inhumanly beautiful, was still laying unconscious on the ground the next morning, while Malfoy, who was back to being 'goff', slept uncomfortably on his lumpy cot in his rather bland room that smelled like musk. Neither of them were aware of what 'wonders' and 'joys' awaited them that day, because neither of them were aware that they had double Potions together that very morning. Now it's a little surprising that neither of them would be aware of this, because it's really not that unpredictable and it has been overdone to the max, but then again, they were both pretty stupid. Sigh. A match made in heaven, no? Anywho...

Suddenly, Hermione began to stir, and she looked around the room in a daze. "Whe... where am I...? Whoa, that was one crazy dream," she mumbled, sitting up, and placing a shaky hand to her head. "I dreamt I was sitting by the lake on Christmas, and... Malfoy was there... and... oh God! I was back to being plain old, boring, average Hermione Granger, and... and..." She gasped in horror. "It was set in our sixth year! How terrible! Who ever heard of a Dramione story set in sixth year?" That wasn't even mentioned... dammit, stop going back into character, or I swear to God! "Sorry, sorry! Make-up, ponies, frilly dresses, etcetera...! Anyway... that wasn't a dream - it was a nightmare!" She began to sob uncontrollably. So the whole last chapter was nothing more than a dream sequence...? How perfectly cliché is that? But now it's curious to whom Hermione was... actually talking to in the first place... hmm.

"Granger, my friend that I have just made a secret truce with at the end of chapter five, which would have probably have been forgotten if I hadn't just mentioned it now... um... what was I going to say before that?" Draco had just appeared on the top step, sporting a very fashionable 'Nightmare Before Christmas' flannel shirt and pants, his blond-hair a tousled mess. "Don't I have black-hair?" No. "Huh, could have sworn... oh, now I remember! Why are you crying? That's my job."

"M-malfoy, I-I ha-had t-the wo-worst d-dream e-ever!" Hermione sobbed, over stuttering her words for more emotional effect. "I-I d-dreamt w-we w-were..." And Hermione told him the whole story, play-by-play, from him wearing a skirt, to the Giant Squid's sudden appearance. To the fact that they fell in love because they said each others' first name, to their random-as-hell and out-of-character announcement in the Great Hall. The author apologizes for not writing it all out, but that's just way too much to write, and Hermione's stuttering was getting annoying... um, yeah, not to mention you already know the whole thing! But I know that authors like to repeat themselves time and time again in immense detail about (un)important 'plot-points' that we already know about... which reminds me... Hermione is so fine! "And then we had forty-seven kids!" Hermione had stopped stuttering by this point, thank goodness... She was still annoying, though.

"That's very tragic, and believe me, I would know. However, I_ would _hold you, Granger, but I'm not clean-and-redeemed-Draco right now - I'm sad-and-emo-Draco, and it's your job to comfort me. Maybe later in the story, when we transform into different cliché forms of ourselves I can be there for you, but now is not the time. Now is the time for me to take a shower, and... well, you know what to do."

So Malfoy took a shower in their disgusting and poor excuse of a bathroom, with moldy walls and moth-eaten shower curtains; there wasn't even a loo! The fact that his father had raped and beaten him hasn't been mentioned in a while, so the author has decided to have Malfoy randomly remember this and cut himself with a suddenly-there-for-moments-like-this-razor blade, since he hasn't done that in a while either. And Hermione walked in just as he was stepping out of his angst-ridden bath, Draco never thinking that it would be wise to lock the doors since he shared a private 'suite' and bathroom with a girl, and Hermione forgetting that Draco was in there to begin with, even though she probably could have heard the water turn off only a couple seconds prior. So Hermione and Malfoy both began to blush scarlet, Draco trying desperately to cover his... well, you know... wink, wink... genitals.

"Yeah, we got that, jerk," said a reader bitterly, who will remain nameless so all you faithful and very appreciated readers can just pretend it's yourself... but you probably won't want to, because that reader is now apart of my very long list of '_people-whose-Draco's-handy-dandy-shotgun-he-had-just-for-situations-like-this-is-going-to-shoot-someday_'... um, yeah, that's not screaming 'insane'... Moving on...

"Damn, Granger! What the hell?"

"Sorry, sorry! I thought you weren't in here!"

"The bathroom connects to _both_ of our bedrooms, the idea of bloody knocking to make sure I'm not in here never occurring to you?"

"Sorry, I wasn't thinking! I don't do that... much... anymore..."

Hermione was now staring intensely at Draco's... ahem, 'area', that was now disappointingly covered by a towel. Aw, frowny face. Draco stared back at her, not sure whether to feel violated or horny. Choosing the latter, he began to raise an eyebrow seductively at her in a 'hey-I-know-you-like-what-you-see-want-to-skip-the-'realistic'-build-up-of-our-relationship-and-just-shag-now' type of gesture. Hermione looked up at him, down at his 'area', back up at him, and so on and so forth, all the while her lip quivering. This went on for a couple more minutes before Hermione couldn't take it any longer, and began laughing hysterically. Malfoy stared at her, confused. Yeah, bet you didn't see that coming.

"What?" he asked... confused.

"I'm s-sorry," she gasped, grinning. "But... but... _what _was that?"

"What do you mean?"

"Well, it's just... y'know... I thought it would be... erm... bigger?"

Insert awkward pause.

"Look, it's not my fault!" Draco cried, his eyes - ugh - glossing over once again.

"I know! I know!" Hermione replied unconvincingly, noticing his girly tears. "It's just... I always imagined the 'Slytherin Sex God' would be... well... 'blessed'."

"For the last time, I am not the 'Slytherin Sex God'! How many times to I have to say that?"

"About 7423236, to personally get every single fanfiction that mentions it. I would hurry, though, because the numbers are growing."

Malfoy sighed. "I mean, if it's anyone besides me, it's Goyle who would be the 'Slytherin Sex God', since, sadly, he's the next hottest Slytherin boy in line."

"Hello?" screamed Blaise from far off in the distance.

"And there's a very good reason why it's so... not big...," Draco added, his eyes darting nervously.

"And that is...?"

"Well, I'm suppose to be depressed, so... what better way to make me _more_ depressed?"

Insert yet another awkward pause.

Hermione completely lost it. She went into another fit of giggles, clutching onto her side, tears streaming down her face. Malfoy just glared at her for a few moments; as much as he loved her laughter in that special, OoC way of his, he wasn't really enjoying the reason for said laughter at that moment. "Okay, that's enough," he finally mumbled bitterly. She ignored him and continued to laugh, now holding onto the bathroom counter for support. His anger began to build. "Really, it's not that funny...!" Hermione was now lying on the ground, slamming her fist into the rusty tiles as she continued to shake with laughter. Draco stomped his foot. "STFU!"

"Oh God, t-that's hilarious," Hermione chuckled, picking herself up from the ground, finally able to control herself. She began to wipe away a few stray tears. "Wow, this is _so_ not a T-rated conversation."

"That's why it's ending now," Malfoy hissed.

They both fell silent after this, Hermione continuing to snicker from time to time, and Malfoy shooting an angry look at her whenever she did it. They stood like this for a few minutes... until it occurred to them both that they were still located in their disgusting bathroom, Draco practically naked, and that they had to get down to breakfast so they could find out about those 'wonders' and 'joys' that were mentioned earlier. At the realization, yet another one of those lovely awkward pauses were inserted.

"Yeah, so..." Draco shuffled his feet. "What does any of this have to do with us falling in love again?"

"I have _no _idea, but it's required for some reason."

"Well, shouldn't we get moving so we can happily skip down to the Great Hall together, and then return to our usual façade of insulting one another before we actually enter to greet our friends?"

"Right, right..."

Neither moved. Exciting.

"Um...," Malfoy began, "can you, like... leave?"

"Uh, no! I have to get ready," she barked back. "_You_ leave."

"No fair! I have to get ready too!"

"I'm Hoar-mione!"

"Well, I'm... emo-Draco..."

"Your cliché form doesn't even have a cool name - you don't deserve the bathroom."

Draco realized that this was true, and sullenly went to his room. Twenty minutes later, he was standing at the bottom of the broken staircase, fully dressed in gloomy black clothes, covered in skulls and chains and the works (uniforms were so overrated). He impatiently waited for Hermione.

"Hurry up! We need to get skippin'!

"Don't tell me what to do!" Hermione snapped in response. At that moment, she appeared on the top step. "You're lucky I have uber fast getting ready skills."

Malfoy turned to leave. "Okay, lets go!"

"Wait!" Hermione yelled.

"What now?" he moaned.

"We're forgetting something _very_ important!"

"What?"

Hermione cleared her throat, and motioned towards her body... er... "Hello?" Um... well... uh... "My appearance! You have yet to explain to the readers my appearance!" Oh right. How could I forget? Well, Hermione was dressed in a some hot duds, let me tell you that. Like Draco, she completely ignored the dress code, and was wearing-

"We don't have time for this!" Malfoy screamed, grabbing an angry Hermione's hand, and dragging her out of their 'suite'. Guess we'll never know what she's wearing. What a pity... Anyway...

Hermione and Draco skipped merrily to the Great Hall, talking like old friends, and eating pudding because pudding rocks and that's what you eat when you skip. The corridors were abnormally deserted, so it was okay for them to act friendly to one another with no one finding out. The trip there was quite uneventful and boring, so lets just ignore it and get to them standing in front of the doors that led to the Great Hall. They looked at each other, slightly downcast for some reason that the author doesn't feel like mentioning.

"Ready?"

"Ready when you are."

Pushing open the giant oak doors, the two secret friends marched into the room, giving each other vicious stares. A strange sense of déjà vu fell over the area as everyone fell silent and watched them, since that's what always happens when people enter the Great Hall. And since their lifes were oh so pointless, watching the two Heads was far more interesting than anything else at the moment. Plus, they _were_ some nice eye-candy.

"Last night was even worse than the night my father molested me!" Malfoy said, his eyes blazing.

"Yeah, well... you're a stupid ferret!"

Malfoy blinked. "Ugh, that insult is _so_ annoying. Yeah, it was a funny thing at the time, good for a chuckle or two, but it was only like two pages long and it was easily forgotten - why can't you people forget about it? Why does every single author feel the need to use it? Aren't they witty enough to come up with something different? Seriously..."

And with that, Malfoy clicked his heels around and stomped towards the Slytherin table, where an irritated Blaise sat, desperately waiting for his gender reports, and a love-sick Pansy jumped around, waiting for her Drakie-poo so she can annoy the crap out of him. Hermione, feeling slightly ashamed with her lame comeback, walked to the Gryffindor table and took a seat next to Ginny. The rest of the students went back to their plain lifes, satisfied and fooled with Hermione and Draco's 'we-hate-each-other' act, much like they usually were. Ginny's girl-dar, however, told her that it wasn't for reals.

"You're totally into Malfoy, aren't you?" Ginny purred seductively. "Wtf?"

Hermione, knowing she couldn't lie to her BFF since she would need Ginny's help later on when future planning was in order, said, "I think so, but I don't know. Like, half the time I am, but then I'm not, but I really am..." Hermione scrunched her eyebrows together. "It's all really confusing, actually. I don't know how people can stand reading it."

"Hee hee," Ginny... said?

"Gigglesnort," Hermione replied.

"Uh, Hermione, aren't you suppose to be _our _best friend?" Ron asked from a few seats down, pointing at him and Harry. "Why aren't you sitting with us?"

"Because Ginny's my best friend in Dramione stories - all you two are good for is bashing."

"Oh yeah! That's right, I forgot."

"You know, I just thought of something," said Harry. Here we go again. Great... "Aren't we-" He indicated himself, Ron and Hermione. "-suppose to be doing something right now? Like, during our seventh year... I can't quite put my finger on it, but it feels like we're suppose to be doing something _really _important at the moment... something about Voldemort-" A few people gasped, and Ron began to have a seizure on the floor. "-and pieces of his soul... It's weird, but I could have sworn... hmm..." Of course, everyone gladly ignored him and began to think about the fact that it was the first day of classes, and that they each would be getting their list of them soon.

"Oh, I wonder what classes we have," Hermione wondered aloud, waiting on the edge of her seat for her schedule filled with 'wonders' and 'joys'. "Stop saying that!" Make me.

Ginny gave her a funny look. "Wait a second... isn't it the Head boy and girls' job to pass out the time-tables?"

Hermione sighed, causing a few boys to faint. "Yeah, it is... but where's the suspenseful fun in _that_?"

Ginny pondered this, then shrugged. "I guess you're right... weird."

"Exactly... and I know."

As if on some magical cue of magic, some random girl walked up and began to hand out their time-tables to them. The Gryffindors began to scan their schedules hungrily, and, as if by some magical force of magic, all their faces fell at the exact same time.

"What the...? Why do we have all our classes with the Slytherins?" Parvati questioned.

"I think the real question is: why do we only have Potions all day?" Dean added.

"Oh, I can answer that," said that random girl who randomly decided to stay. "Dumbledore said something about house unity again... What did he say...? He thought it would be... crunk...? Yeah, that's it. Crunk. Whatever that means."

"Hell yeah it's crunk!" Colin suddenly cried.

"Colin, just... stop," Harry mumbled, shaking his head at him.

"Yeah, well," Ginny groaned, "atleast you don't have to spend your day in D.A.D.A. with Professor... Smith...? Are you serious? The author seriously couldn't come up with something better than 'Smith'?" Making up last names is hard!

"Don't you usually excel in Potions, and then have it with the seventh years?" Hermione wondered.

"No, that's only in Dinny stories."

"WTF is 'Dinny'?"

"I have no idea, but it sounds pretty cool, doesn't it?"

"No, not really."

"Forget you!"

"Huh, that's funny," Lavender mumbled, staring at her schedule with a creased brow, and interrupting Hermione and Ginny's mindless bantering. "It doesn't say who our Potions teacher is."

"That's odd," Ron agreed, just now deciding to pick himself up from the ground, blatantly suffering from an extreme case of 'late reaction'. "Well, it's either Slughorn or Snape, duh. But which one?" All the Gryffindors looked at one another, remembered that this was a Dramione story, and all sighed, "Snape" at the exact same time - that magical force of magic sure does like to stick around... much like that random girl... whose a little creepy... because she's now chewing on a plate...

And sure enough, when the seventh year Gryffindors and Slytherins ventured down into the dungeons - Draco and Hermione giving each other wistful looks that nobody saw, not even themselves - it was no surprise to anyone to see Severus Snape there in all his greasy glory. He looked the same as he did before he got killed by a snake in a very tragic, yet slightly wimpy, way. Where do his loyalties lie in this story? The answer: who cares? It's a AU, so lets just forget about that. Besides, when does Voldemort ever make an appearance in Dramione stories? The main plot of Harry Potter is not important here, even though sometimes it would be nice to have him mentioned atleast once - maybe dead, or something - so we don't get the idea that it's all gum drops and flowers, and piles of teenage drama and angst... just saying...

Snape began to shoot daggers at the class as they entered and settled in, his eyes lingering on Hermione. "Damn! I wish this was a Sevmione story. Ow, ow."

"That is so disturbing on so many levels," said Hermione, emotionless.

"Murderer!" Neville suddenly shouted, pointing an accusing finger at Snape. "You killed Dumbledore!

Snape sighed, as did many of the others. "Did you miss it the last several times or something? Oh, what am I saying? Of course you did, you're Longbottom. Well, this is an AU - something even your puny mind can comprehend. With that said, twenty points from Gryffindor for being stupid! And another ten for having an untucked shirt! You little morons know nothing about fashion," the Potions master growled. Mm. "Did you just 'mm'?" Neville turned beat red, and slouched down in his seat.

"But aren't you gay? Shouldn't you know about fashion?" Seamus whispered in Neville's ear.

"I'm not gay," Neville squealed. "That was mentioned last chapter, which has little connection with the rest of the story, and something we're not even suppose to know about."

"My bad. Oops."

"Besides... aren't _you _gay?"

Seamus narrowed his eyes at him. "What gave you that impression?"

"The fact that Hermione landed on you two chapters ago, and you didn't even get slightly turned on," Dean cut in. "No self-respecting straight man could keep his cool with _that _sudden hottie on top of him."

"That doesn't mean-"

"Not to mention the boy magazines under your bed."

"Those aren't-"

"And the fact that you told me."

Seamus began to foam at the mouth, and he snatched his extremely pointy quill. He was just about to plunge it into Dean's arm, thus resulting in ink poisoning and a slow and dull death, when...

"A hundred points from Potter!" Snape announced, cutting off Seamus' murder attempts, and glaring at the Boy-Who-Seriously-Should-Be-Dead-By-Now-After-All-The-Crap-He-Goes-Through-But-Somehow-Manages-To-Still-Be-Alive-Because-He's-A-Talentless-Hero-With-A-Bunch-Of-Dumb-Luck.

"What? Why?" Harry screamed, throwing his hands in the air.

"Because your mother loved your father and not me!"

"And that's _my _fault?"

"Yes, because you're their deformed offspring!"

Harry began to grumble under his breath, but decided against arguing - he was too good for that, because he was Harry frickin' Potter, the Boy-Who-Seriously-Should-Blah-Blah-Blah. The boy who was the inspiration for the entire Wizarding World; without him, there wouldn't be any of this. There would be _nothing_! Sometimes it annoyed him when stories were dedicated to his lame, secondary-character friends - it was his name in the bloody title, after all! He wasn't going to say anything, though, because when does Harry ever speak his mind about his feelings? Maybe someday he will, though... maybe...

"I would also like to award Mister Malfoy a thousand points, because his MCR shirt is pretty bitchin'," Snape said.

"Thanks! I got a 'Hot Topic' gift card for my birthday."

"I would also like to say that I'm Malfoy's godfather, and sometimes he wishes I was his real father. Did any of you really need to know that? No, but it's some nice foreshadowing for some future touching Snape-Draco moments... Okay, lets see... Now you're all probably wondering why you have Potions all day... well, I don't have an answer - Dumbledore came up with the idea because of 'house unity' or something gay like that, so now I'm stuck here all day with you brats, which sucks, because I obviously have better things to do with my time."

"No you don't," Pansy shrieked, and everyone began to snicker. However, the humor soon sub-sided when Snape gave a hearty laugh, and everyone's snickering turned into uncomfortable glances directed towards the greasy Professor.

"Oh, Miss Parkison, how right you are." Snape smirked. Mm. "Did you just 'mm' _again_...? You're really starting to scare me... Anyway, fifty points for being both smart _and_ funny, Parkison." Pansy beamed.

Lavender, who was still slightly chuckling, said, "Yeah, the only thing Snape really needs to do besides this is take a shower."

Snape, doing a total one-eighty, shot his head in her direction, his mouth curled into a snarl. "Fifty points from Gryffindor, Miss Brown, for working off someone else's joke and making it unfunny - we call people who do that 'sheep', and most have the I.Q. of a pea at best." Lavender's cheeks flushed.

"You really like to manipulate your post, don't you?" Neville grumbled.

"One point to Mister Longbottom for actually being observant for once," declared Snape, much to everyone's amazement.

"Really? Wow, tha-"

"Nevermind, I take it back." Snape cleared his throat. "Alright... um... Potions, yeah. It's pretty tight, isn't it? This year I know I'm supposed to be getting you prepared for your N.E.W.T.s and stuff, but I decided that we can just forget all that, and instead waste time making an extremely difficult potion that I'm going to force some of you to drink later on, EVEN THOUGH I'm pretty sure that's illegal. You're going to work in partners too. Isn't that exciting?"

The class replied with a bunch of weak 'yays...', 'I can't waits...' and 'where's Slughorn - I liked him better...'; no one was excited about working with Potion partners in this story, because this was about the hundredth time they've heard it in a Dramione fic, and it usually followed up with, "And I'm going to pick them!" No surprise there. "Alright, er..." Snape looked around the room at all the sad faces, deciding whose life he was going to ruin first.

Suddenly, Dumbledore appeared at the door. "Psst, remember: house unity." He winked, and then disappeared.

"I don't remember Dumbledore being this obsessed with house unity before," Harry commented.

"Yeah, and why is it always the Slytherins? What about Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff? It's not like we're really 'unified' with them," Ron included.

"Okay, uh, that was weird," Snape said, shaking his head. "Anyway, back to what I was doing... Potter! Since I hate you the most, you can work with Goyle. And Weasley, since your Potter's best mate, how about you go with Crabbe? Mwahaha-"

"Isn't this kind of like a double-edged sword?" said Harry, puzzled.

"What do you mean, Potter?"

"Well, you try to make the Gryffindors miserable, right? So you pair them up with the Slytherins. But you also make the Slytherins miserable in the process by pairing them up with the very people they despise; as much as you try to make us miserable, aren't you suppose to be trying to make them not miserable?"

Snape stared at him for a few moments, his mind blank. Then, "Where the hell did that come from?"

"Don't worry, you're not the only one whose confused - he's been doing that quite often lately," Parvati assured him. "It's a little weird, actually, and completely OoC."

"Yeah, no kidding."

"Well, since Hermione's an idiot now, someone has to be the brains of the Trio! And the author seriously can't remember if she has already written that already, but is too lazy to check! But yeah, now I'm the smart one!" exclaimed Harry, and coughed under his breath, "Since it obviously can't be Ron."

"Why the bloody hell not?" Ron retorted, his eyebrows furrowing at the messy-haired, extremely infuriating boy. "I'm way smarter than you!"

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah! Atleast I actually share my feelings instead of bottling them all up like _you_. News flash, moron, that's not healthy!"

"That doesn't make you smart - it makes you a girl!"

"Well I'm better at Chess than you are - no dumbass could play Chess like _I _do."

"Um, if I recall," said Harry, mockingly, "wasn't it _me _who was beating _you _in Chess four chapters ago?"

"That doesn't matter - this story isn't canon!"

"Your face isn't canon!"

"Your mum isn't canon!"

"My mum's dead, you bastard!"

"Oh God, Lily!"

"Wait, didn't it say she was ali-"

Well, whoever was talking was muffled out by the sounds of Snape's sobs, and Harry and Ron, once again, beating the crap out of each other. Malfoy, realizing that this was taking longer then needed, decided to go over and sit by Hermione, fully aware that she was his partner... duh. Many in the class saw him and followed suit, going with people that they were usually stuck with. Once everyone had paired off, the fighting ended, and Snape abruptly stopped crying to see his class all ready to go and that he didn't have to do anything.

"Wow," he said, startled, "I guess this plot is used alot."

"Can we get started already?" Blaise asked wearily.

"Yes, of course..." Snape grew silent, staring at the class with a devilish smirk that makes so many swoon. "Wha-"

"Okay... what 'extremely difficult' potion are we supposed to be making exactly?"

Snape's face fell. Yikes... didn't really think that far ahead, Snapey-poo? "Don't call me that! Damn fangirls... And if I didn't think ahead, that means you didn't either, because you're the one typing what I know...!" Well said... "Anyway... well... um... the author isn't really educated in that field... so lets just make up one, shall we? Erm..." He looked around the classroom, searching for something that would give him some inspiration. Finally, his eyes landed on a mysterious, out-of-place, tiny bubble floating by the window. Of course! When in doubt, go with bubbles...

He turned back to the class with a sneer. How utterly sexy. "Shut up! Now then, you will be making a potion that is pink, and has many bubbles! The author isn't really creative enough to come up with an interesting name for this potion or what it's sole purpose is, but lots of bubbles and hot pink - but not that nasty, pasty pink, though, or you automatically _fail_ - in color will give you a passing grade. It will also take you four months to finish because it needs to settle or something, and usually during this time we would move on to other projects, but I've decided you can just watch it do nothing and interact with your partner, because that's all that really matters in the end. As for ingredients... no idea, so just throw in whatever you find... yeah, I think that's all...

"Oh, and fifty points from Weasley for being a _ginger_."

"What? No fair! Greengrass is a ginger too!"

Snape walked up to the Slytherin girl, and placed a tender hand on the top of her head. "Yes... yes she is... Get to work!"

And got to work they did. Everybody scurried around, gathering whatever miscellaneous things they could find to throw into their cauldrons. Both Neville and Pansy decided to add fish eggs and grass to their own seperate cauldrons, but while Pansy's turned a dark violet color, Neville's turned a pasty pink, thus resulting in an automatic fail. Ron and Harry were still debating on who was smarter, both unaware that their partners were adding in poisons and such to their own potions, and they were beginning to violently bubble a puke green color. Dean and Blaise were doing a very good job, their potion a mixture of hot pink and blue, when a tentacle burst into the classroom and carried a screaming Dean away. Hermione and Draco were doing something Potions related, quietly conversing with each other.

"Okay, so we're partners... now what?" Malfoy whispered. His face contorted into a look of irritation. "God, will you just pick 'Malfoy' or 'Draco' already? This name changing is giving me a headache!" No. Plain and Simple. No questions asked. Got it? Good. "What? No, I don't get it!"

"We're suppose to fall in love," Hermione answered, paying no attention to his unnecessary outburst.

"How?"

"I don't know... most of these stories are either abandoned by this point, or are too painful to keep reading."

"Ugh, does that mean we can end this already? I'm sick of Potions."

"That sucks, because there's a lot more Potions to come."

"But _why_?" Draco whined.

Hermione shrugged. "Not sure. I think authors consider it the perfect Dramione class, since they believe there are endless possibilities, even though this entire school is like... a bunch of endless possibilities; we have flippin' magic, we don't have to be secluded here."

Draco folded his arms, and pouted his lips. "Damn, this sucks. I don't know about you, but Potions gets tiresome fast."

Hermione nodded in agreement, but then she smiled contently. "Don't worry. Word around the coffee machine is that there's going to be a chapter dedicated to all our make-out spots later on, and it's not just Potions class."

"Spoiler much."

"Sorry." She bit her lip. "Should we end this now?"

"Seems like the logical solution, since nobody ever knows where the hell to go from here."

"Yeah, that's true..."

"You know, I was wondering: whatever happened to those little 'to be continued' messages at the end of the chapters? I kind of liked-"

Over.

"No fair!" Hermione complained. "Malfoy already got two cut-off endings, and I only got one! Fair is fair!"

Malfoy jerked his head. "Yeah, you have to be-"

-:-

**A/N: **I'm **not sure **when I'll get to _chapter eight _(which is called _Chapter VIII: Curses! Clichéd Again! _by the way - **kudos **to whoever figures out the _premise_), **because **I want to focus _my attention _on a few _Weasley twin-centric _fics, as well as another _Colin/Luna _story - this time _multi-chaptered_, _**w00t**_ - that I have in mind. **Also**, I _do _have another idea for a... ahem, **different category**, but... yeah, it's a little _embarrassing _to mention **now**... haha... **However**, I will not _completely __**ignore **_this story - just a _tiny _**hiatus **for now. **Don't be alarmed**! It's only for a _short _while. Anyway, _please_, **read **and **review**! I will _heart _you **forevz**! _Which _**reminds me**... this story is on **28 **peoples' _favorite _list, and **27 **peoples' _alert _list - I **should **be getting more _reviews_! **Big thanks **to all those people, though! _Hah_. :) On a **final **note: _Cigarettes killed my father... and raped my mother! _

**A/N 2: **Okay, _two _reviews will **not **do. **Sorry **to those on my _alert _list, hee hee. :\ (Can't help it, I'm **greedy**, haha.)


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